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Well I'm not crying anymore, or wanting to cry all the time either. But it still hurts, and I'm still depressed. And boys still suck big time.

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The one thing I'm grateful for, the questionable silver lining of this cloud, is that though I'm in pain, and disappointed, hurt, feeling rejected....it wasn't outright rejection. And no awkward situation to deal with. Although I may feel awkward, the situation won't be. I'm really in the mood to throw some big boulders at boys....I didn't need this pain, I didn't choose to like someone, but I have it anyways. And that sucks.

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Hands so cold, body shaking, I think I'm numb. I don't think it has really hit me yet, I'm sure it will later though. I'm still kind of in a state of shock, yet not, contradictory as that seems. Almost of contemplation, I haven't really absorbed, it hasn't really sunk in yet. When I found out, it really hit me physically. I haven't really cried yet, when I heard tears slipped of their own accord out of the corners of my eyes, but I wasn't really aware of them, I wasn't ready to cry, and that was just a few tears not really crying anyways. I haven't given in and broken down yet. That'll happen later tonight, when I'm in my room alone and everyone's gone to bed. I can't give in, can't collapse yet because it's only 5:30 and I still have the rest of the day to get through. I'm not a good crier, and I just can't deal with the questions from my family if they see I've been crying. Even as I write this I feel myself starting to unthaw, I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can't deal with it yet, I just want it to stop. I'm so cold, my bodies still in a state of shock. I want to curl up on my bed and let it all out, why does life have to go on when I feel like this. I wish I could pause the world while I deal with this, just put everything on hold until I have a handle on the disappointment and the pain. But I can't, life insists upon going on, As the radio plays in the background to hide the sound of any sniffles I make I just want to go to bed. I want nighttime to come so I can embrace this pain and deal with it. Why is it that when we're hit with news like this we are rarely able to emotionally deal with it when it happens. It's all inside me right now, spilling out onto the page. Life rarely provides me with the oppourtunity to fully grieve when I really want to, when I really need to.

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Stage Manager for The Spirit Walk!!! Yaaay!!!

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I'm tired of being the girl next door. I don't want to just be the "nice" girl anymore. I am so much deeper, and so much more complex than that. I'm tired of people sterotyping me and cramming me into their little definitions of who's who. If you talk with me for more than 10 minutes at a time you'd see I'm so much more than that. This is directed at all those people who don't even know me, never talk to me for more than a few minutes at a time, but dare to label me, to stereotype me, and say that they know who I am. Sticking me with a label that they are most likely never going to change. Well people, this is me saying take a closer look, I'm not nice, quiet, easy going all the time...I'm emotional and strong minded, I get my feelings hurt and sometimes I hold grudges, I get angry and mad, silly and giggly with my friends, and passionate about things I love and believe in. I'm insanely protective of my family and friends, with a really dirty mind and a knack for innuendo and sarcasm, I'm a "good kid" but with a racy streak that surprises some people when they first find out, and sometimes I am the loudest one in my group of friends...and sometimes not. Sometimes I am a little reserved, more laid back, sometimes I just like to sit back and watch, and be the peace maker of the group. All of these things and more, are inside me all the time, it just depends which side I show to the world at the time - how I'm feeling that day, but I am more than how you see me in 1 situation. I'm tired of people labeling me and just assuming they know who I am and all about me, when ironically they will probly never know the real me. I'm so much more than just the nice girl next door...

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Emotionally Exausted. Plain and simple. Got it?

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Want Ad - Cute, affectionate Princess, non-smoker, seeks modern day white knight to ride off into sunset with (has own horse)

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Am I the only one left in this world who's still a romantic at heart? Cuz that's pretty much how I feel nowadays. I know, and meet, so many cynical people. As you all know I'm pretty much a perpetual optimust, always trying to look on the good side of things, all about the positive thinking and everything. But I've just been really depressed today. Well lately as a matter of fact. Well...not even that, I've been swinging back and forth between extremes, really happy or really depressed. But sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one who even belives in romance and all that, I'm surronded by people who are so just...I don't even know, I can't explain it. I was so happy yesterday...and I'm so depressed today. It just feels like sometimes I'm never going to meet someone, or even if I do meet them, are they even going to notice me. It's so frustrating, I guess I'm just getting impatient in my old age. "I'm alive but I'm alone" a lyric that pretty much desribes what I'm feeling right now. Why do I feel like I'm back in high school again?

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Oh man, our improv scene today rocked, it kicked ass! My group was great. We just had such a good connection, really good chemistry. I'm feeling good, feeling really good, a little sad though cuz it's over. I had really good people to work with, Mary and John were both awesome today, I kind of wish it could go on for longer cause it was a lot of fun. I got to yell, and swear, and be emotional...good times eh, I felt like I did a really good job on it too.

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I feel good. I just had a really good day today. Even though I'm tired, I am just having such a good day. And on a Monday too! Wow! How often do you actually get to say that, here's hoping the rest of my day goes just as well. Oh yea...and think snowy thoughts...positive thinking for a snow day tomorrow!

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I am irritated. Very Very irritated.

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I am very Stressed. *sighs* Some of this school stuff I'm excited about, but some of it's just pure stress. This semester is going to be even more insane...and it looks like even more work than the last one. But it also looks like many good times will be involved. Scenes, monologues, improves, drama class in gerneral, and then acting class, I have lots of drama stuff to do, I just wish I could be in a play too...I still feel kind of lost after Aladdin with no play now...

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Holy shit it's cold out...I'm really hoping that school gets cancelled tomorrow...hope for more snow! Hope for more snow! It's too cold to go out tomorrow.....but I'm going to have to if school is open cuz I can't miss drama. *shakes fist at the cold and winter in general*

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Do you realize how cold it is going to be out? It's s'posed to be -22 overnight, and then drop to the wonderfully chill temp of -33 for tomorrow. Dear Goodness but THAT is FREAKIN cold people! When it's that cold it makes me not want to go to school...not go out of my house at all in fact, but it's only the first week...I really need to go to class. I'm going to be so bundled up tomorrow you will not be able to see my shape at all...I'll prolly look like some kind of very round snowperson. And I think I'm gonna need tea once I get to school to warm up from being outside in that insane cold. I complain, but honestly, I love Canada, with all it's crazy crazy temperatures, and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. So this was just a quick little entry, I'll likely write more, and about my first week of school this week-end. I live in the coldest room in my entire house, I don't know how that worked out, but I don't wanna wake up as one giant Kt-sicle. I'm going to need another blanket for my bed tonight....

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Why is it so cold out?

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This is a...well I'm not sure exactly what it is...a poem I guess...it's a little different...anyway feel free to post any comments about it on my message board.


Desire

Burning
Throbbing
Hot Desire
That intense longing to be one with another
Feel the flames of lust flicker
As they try to consume you
Body, Mind, and Soul
Taking over your Being
Make you live for the moment
Regardless of past or future
Living, breathing, feeling
In the here and now
Intense longing
Body on fire
Rich Desire
Claiming you for its own
Your view narrows
To this one moment in time
Nerves on fire
Never wanting it to end
The touch, the feel, the smell of them
Completly arousing
The soft touch of their skin against yours
Their hair as you run your fingers through it
The rough feel of their clothes
The intoxicating smell
As they move closer and you breathe them in
Teasing
Playing
Lust builds
Longing fills you
Ultimate Desire

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Happy New Years! Hope everyone had an awesome New Years Eve. I'ts finally 2004 baby, can you dig it?

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So I'm sick again. That's always a fun way to spend Christmas...not. I hate germs soooo much. It's just not fair, I just finally got over a evil cold thing I had for like 3 weeks, and then like a week later I get the freakin flu. I still feel like garbage now, but I can't sleep cuz I slept so late today cuz of my poor sick body. So christmas eve I started to feel not so well, and woke up christmas morning feeling pretty crummy, but I thought it might just be my cold come back to torture me. Anyways as the day wore on I felt worse and worse. Had a bit of a temperature, but not too high. However, it got higher that night. Then came boxing day, which I spent in my bed. I was pretty peeved, not only was I sick but I missed going out to all the sales! So yes I spent my boxing day in bed with a very high temperature and just in general feeling like crap. Not fun times. I was Very Very Sick. I still am quite sick, but at least now I'm feeling enough better that I can get up, and don't have to spend all my time in bed. My offical statement towards germs: for the record, Germs Suck. I hope everyone had a good Christmas tho, mine was interesting as you've just heard. I spent it with my family though and that's what really counts right, spending Christmas with your loved ones. Also I got some neat stuff,although I haven't really been able to enjoy any of my Christmas presents, what with being sick and all, and...and I haven't been able to eat any candy! Bah1 It's taunting me! I got like mints and stuff that I can't even touch while I'm trying to fight off germs. So it was an interesting Christmas, that's what I will say. LOL Well that's all I can really think of right now, hopefully I will be much better soon, cuz I'm tired of being stuck in my house being sick, I wanna get out and see people! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and if you're reading this and I don't talk to you before, have a Happy, Rockin New Years!

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It's almost Christmas! I Love Christmas time, I think it is my favourite holiday as a matter of fact. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, Just Like the ones I used to Know.......love that song, one of my favourite christmas movies and songs. I also love Mistletoe, and in my opinion there should be WAY more of it around! I also favour Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and We Three Kings. Goooooooooooooo Christmas Carols! I Love 'em! I wrapped a TON of Christmas presents tonight, oh wrapping how I enjoy you....get to make so many pretty packages! So yes, I'm a big Christmas nerd, I Love it! I am soooooo excited! I hope everyone has a Very Merry Christmas, filled with love, happiness and fun! Help spread the Christmas Cheer!Pass it on to everyone you know! Merry Christmas!

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Is it me or what? :P


You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.