There's something about Gary Cooper that is so sweet and endearing that it almost breaks my heart to watch him. He has such an honest, open face that I completely believe whatever role he is acting. I'm watching the movie Meet John Doe again, and it just amazes me every time, I can't stop watching it. He is such an amazing actor, probably one of the most honest, sincere actors I have ever seen.

When I was talking with my grandma on the phone on fathers day/her birthday/my dads birthday, she said that my dad was the first fathers day present my grandpa ever got. And I just thought that was so beautiful, and touching, and it brought tears to my eyes. And to take the words from something I heard on tv tonight, I'm going to try more and remember my grandpa with a smile on my face when I talk about him, rather than tears.

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Life is fine! Today I got new books, rented a bunch of movies I have really been wanting to watch, bought new sunglassess and a new purse ON SALE, have triple chocolate ice cream, and apple pie. Also, I am officially Stage Manager for this years production of SW again. I am so happy, life is great! And best of all, no lessons to plan and stress about. I know I'm going to be stressed out in the fall when I have to finish up my teaching time, but for now I am DONE, with time to actually relax and enjoy myself for a change. Which is something I haven't really done for about 8 months. This really has been the year from hell, right now I am just glad to be able to take some time to recouperate and have some fun. All these things have made me so happy...they're not huge complex things, simple really, having a new book to read ect...but doesn't that tell you something about how stressed and time crunched my life has been that these simple pleasures give me such an immense joy and satisfaction? Me is very happy and content right now :)

I am very sad. I should be teaching my kids drama and language this afternoon, instead I am not teaching them at all. I miss them. This is the hardest part of leaving my school, leaving the kids I have bonded with...

So it's been awhile since I posted last. School has been INSANE. I love working with the kids, it's dealing with the other ridiculous crap I'm sick of. Long story short, I've been treatly very unfairly and I've had to deal with a lot of meanness and bitchiness. I'm done at the school I was at, and I've got to do a bunch of paperwork and junk to be able to defer it. I can't wait til this is over...I'm counting down the monthes until my braces can come off, and I can go out and get my new headshots done and find an agent so I can take my shot at the acting world.

so fucking tired and stressed from school. And no time to write, or act, or do any of the creative stress relieving things that I love to do. AND I went for my blood test this morning...they took FOUR freaking vials of blood from me, what are they, vampires? That is too much, they don't need to test for THAT many things. Exhuatsed, and I don't know if it's from having blood taken, or stress, or not enough sleep, or anemia, or a combination or what. I should do work, but I am light headed and exhausted so I think I am going to go lie down again.

Okay, I really dislike this switching over from old blogger to new blogger thing. The last 3 times i tried it wouldn't work for me, hence it's been awhile since I updated.

After a week of crazy emotional school stress, I had a scary end to top it all off.

Last night when we had stopped at my Nana's, a fire broke out on her balcony while my mum and I were there. It was scary as hell, and I had to call 911 and all the firefighters and police officers and everyone came. Fortunately no one was hurt, but it confusing and scary and stressful. Needless to say, I have stayed home from my school today as I am exhausted and shaken. I'll write more about it later probably, right now it's just too fresh and in my mind and I'm too emotional.

I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity/ One day I'm going to make it/ You'll see my face up on the big screen

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I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity. I'm not going to be an unknown. As soon as I'm done teachers college I am going to put myself out there. I am going to get an agent. I am going to take my chance on the acting world. I am going to make it.

If I can just make it through this, I will be able to say I faced the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it didn't stop me, I got through it.

But it's so hard and I'm so tired of tears and stress. Teachers college wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be hard work but it was supposed to be fun too. It was something I've worked towards for years, it wasn't supposed to drag me down. I hate the fact that I feel like this. If I could go back in time I wouldn't choose this school again, I'd apply other places. But I can't change that now, and I'm NOT going to let this thing beat me. But it's so hard and I'm so tired of being stressed and worrying all the time. If I can just make it through this, I know I'll be able to make it through anything.

'Cause this big ol' world ain't ready for a little girl like me

I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity

I wrote this in an email to my friend, and while I've been very honest about how I've felt and been dealing with teachers college, I think I captured the emotions and meaning pretty well in this email so I thought I'd share it...

Growing up certainly is wild, it's more than wild, it's emotional, exciting, scary, and just as full of highs and lows as being a teenager ever was! lol Teachers College...well, it's going. It has become an all consuming, crazy stressful experience. It's probably the most stressful thing I've ever done. I love working with the kids, but there's a whole lot of other stressful crap and people to deal with that really have nothing to do with teaching. Like almost every single person in my program, I've come to the conclusion that teachers college really is nothing like the teaching world, it's a very strange, very stressful artificial situation. Mind you, apparently a lot of the stress is just York...I keep hearing stories of all these people at other universities who are board and saying their school is a bird course....I'm wishing for a little of that about now! :P But anyways I'm surviving...barely lol, But as for the not going crazy, I can't vouch for that...

I really, really HATE being sick. Not only did I have to miss school, and teaching my lessons, this week, but this is the second weekend of going out fun that I have missed. I was sooooo sick last weekend, I got an uber bad case of the flu. I got sick a week ago friday, and was out for the whole weekend...I had a fever til monday! And even once the fever broke I could barely walk, I was all dizzy and weak. And the sysmptoms just like, morphed into something else once the fever was gone. My throats been killing me, my nose was running like a tap, and now is completely stuffed up. It seems like all I've been doing the past couple days is blow my nose, and clear my throat, and cough. And I still feel like crap. This really sucks. And I've still had stuff that was due and I had to hand in at my clsses this week...it's real fun trying to do work when you're sick. I haven't been this sick, Really sick, in awhile. I hope I get better soon, cause I'm still so wiped and sick and feeling like crap. :(

What a night, what a night. It was a very interesting night out with my girls, both good and bad happenings going on. It started a little slow, but boy oh boy did it pick up later on. My best friend D was home from Alberta so she came out with, and that was awesome. Also, whenever B, M and I go out all together, crazy things seem to happen and we always end up with interesting stories. Going out with my girls again tomorrow, and we'll see what that evening has to hold...:D

Caught between who I am and who I want to be.

That so completely describes where i am right now. It's like Bon Jovi was reading my mind/soul with that line, that song. I want to be a teacher, but I don't want to be. This program is burning me out in terribly stressful manner. I want to be an actor, right now...but I want to finish what I started with teachers college. I know I've been posting a lot of song lyrics lately, but this song so completely describes how I'm feeling, and probably in a more coherant way than I could right now.


"Welcome To Wherever You Are"
Bon Jovi

Maybe we're different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden, running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end

[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around

[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

Be who you want to, be who you are
Everyones a hero, everyones a star
When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

While I haven't recently had a boy cheat on me, I can really relate to these lyrics. The boy these lyrics make me think of may not have cheated, but I feel like the lyrics could describe him anyways...and how I was feeling a few weeks ago as well.


Before He Cheats
Carrie Underwood

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp,and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Right now, she's probably up singing somewhite-trash version of Shania karoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom cologne...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat,
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...

Whereas before I was counting down the days until teachers college started, now I am counting down the days until it ends...who knew it would be so completely, totally different from what I was expecting. If I can just manage the stress and anxiety, I may make it through yet...