This is not what I want to do anymore. York is doing nothing but holding me back, I want to break free. I'm stuck in a weird limbo waiting for them to get their act together enough to find my damn placement, the lack of teaching for 3 weeks is holding me back, stopping me from pursuing anything else, from what I want. I can hardly stand it anymore. It's so oppressive, above my head, pressing down on my shoulders, when all I want to do is act. Find an agent, push andf push myself because I know I can do it. It'll be hard, it'll be hard work, and I know that. I'm scared, it's actually kind of terrifying, yet exilerating at the same time. But I know that I can do it if I get the chance, rather if I take the chance. That's all I'm asking right now, is to be able to take that chance. Screw you York. *said in a bitter and disappointed tone*

I don't remember the last time I felt so absolutely single...

BUT...

I won't settle for anything less than the butterflies.

My braces are finally coming off on OCTOBER 15TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is so frickin awesome, fantastic, exciting, stupendous, life altering, changing everything!!!!!!!

It has been a very long 2 and something odd years. I will only have to wear a retainer then, and will be able to take it out for pictures and eating of foods I have greatly missed. I am going to have a party eating all the things I haven't been able to the last few years, including gum, nuts, ribs, corn on the cob, and many ecteras.

17 days til my braces come off baby, only a little over 2 weeks!

Boo-Ya!!!!!

I can hardly wait.....

"Well-behaved women rarely make history"

Does this statement strike you as true or what? It certainly does for me...when I think back about the famous or infamous women I have learned about in history, very few of them were well-behaved or willing to conform to what other expected. They were strong, passionate, and lived life by their own set of rules and expectations. Now, to clarify, to me well-behaved does not necessarily mean polite or anything like that in this instance. You can have good manners and social grace and still not be well-behaved.

I knew there had to be a reason for the way I act...fiercely independant and an unwillingness to submit to what other people push for, a passion and compassion for life and the people and things in it...

...Maybe one day I'll be destined for greatness...

...In acting anyways I hope...

...Perhaps more...

I am so in love with Mike Rowe, host of that fascinating show called Dirty Jobs. He is so hot, and talented, and entertaining....he has the best sense of humour, and a self confidence that you can't help but find sexy.

And who doesn't love a dirty boy?

We all take different pathes to where we're going. Even if we are trying to get to the same place, we all have to make our own way there. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

The conflict between who you are and who you want to be, the conflict between where we are and where we could be.

I miss my cousin. And I miss who he used to be. Before the drugs and alcohol started to control his life. Before he got addicted, and had to drink to excess. The person he was before his own mother said he can't be trusted with money. The person he was before a lot of the things I saw happen. I don't think my family (the older members aka parents ect) realize how much I know, how much I've seen. We are close in age, when he lived near by we used to hang out. I went to his parties, he came to mine. I saw what he drank and how much, and what he smoked. I saw what his friends drank and smoked. I never included myself in that, but I saw it all the same. I saw how he changed, and that he was becoming addicted. Or at least I do now, I don't know if I truly recognized that he was an addict when I was younger, but I knew he had a problem. I remember so clearly saying to my mother after one particular incident, that I didn't want to be around him when he was doing things like that. It made me uncomfortable, and it scared me. And I don't want to lose him, he is like my older brother, and it would break my heart. But he is 27 and I can't fix it for him, I can't change it for him. His parents can't change it for him, he has to do it. But I am scared that he never will, I am scared he will continue down this path of destruction until he does something stupid in an intoxicated state that kills him, or the drugs and alcohol just wear out his body. I am terrified of losing my cousin. I already lost one cousin years ago, I couldn't stand to lose another one. But I don't know what I can do....his family is not staging an intervention, they are trying to help him through it...I wish I had said to him years ago that I didn't want to be around him when he did things like that, instead of saying it to my mom. It might have done some good, or it might not have, it might just have alienated him further from me. I don't love him any less, but I am scared for him. He is not the same person he used to be because the addiction controls his life, controls him. I just hope that he will come out of it all okay.

There's something about Gary Cooper that is so sweet and endearing that it almost breaks my heart to watch him. He has such an honest, open face that I completely believe whatever role he is acting. I'm watching the movie Meet John Doe again, and it just amazes me every time, I can't stop watching it. He is such an amazing actor, probably one of the most honest, sincere actors I have ever seen.

When I was talking with my grandma on the phone on fathers day/her birthday/my dads birthday, she said that my dad was the first fathers day present my grandpa ever got. And I just thought that was so beautiful, and touching, and it brought tears to my eyes. And to take the words from something I heard on tv tonight, I'm going to try more and remember my grandpa with a smile on my face when I talk about him, rather than tears.

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Life is fine! Today I got new books, rented a bunch of movies I have really been wanting to watch, bought new sunglassess and a new purse ON SALE, have triple chocolate ice cream, and apple pie. Also, I am officially Stage Manager for this years production of SW again. I am so happy, life is great! And best of all, no lessons to plan and stress about. I know I'm going to be stressed out in the fall when I have to finish up my teaching time, but for now I am DONE, with time to actually relax and enjoy myself for a change. Which is something I haven't really done for about 8 months. This really has been the year from hell, right now I am just glad to be able to take some time to recouperate and have some fun. All these things have made me so happy...they're not huge complex things, simple really, having a new book to read ect...but doesn't that tell you something about how stressed and time crunched my life has been that these simple pleasures give me such an immense joy and satisfaction? Me is very happy and content right now :)

I am very sad. I should be teaching my kids drama and language this afternoon, instead I am not teaching them at all. I miss them. This is the hardest part of leaving my school, leaving the kids I have bonded with...

So it's been awhile since I posted last. School has been INSANE. I love working with the kids, it's dealing with the other ridiculous crap I'm sick of. Long story short, I've been treatly very unfairly and I've had to deal with a lot of meanness and bitchiness. I'm done at the school I was at, and I've got to do a bunch of paperwork and junk to be able to defer it. I can't wait til this is over...I'm counting down the monthes until my braces can come off, and I can go out and get my new headshots done and find an agent so I can take my shot at the acting world.

so fucking tired and stressed from school. And no time to write, or act, or do any of the creative stress relieving things that I love to do. AND I went for my blood test this morning...they took FOUR freaking vials of blood from me, what are they, vampires? That is too much, they don't need to test for THAT many things. Exhuatsed, and I don't know if it's from having blood taken, or stress, or not enough sleep, or anemia, or a combination or what. I should do work, but I am light headed and exhausted so I think I am going to go lie down again.

Okay, I really dislike this switching over from old blogger to new blogger thing. The last 3 times i tried it wouldn't work for me, hence it's been awhile since I updated.

After a week of crazy emotional school stress, I had a scary end to top it all off.

Last night when we had stopped at my Nana's, a fire broke out on her balcony while my mum and I were there. It was scary as hell, and I had to call 911 and all the firefighters and police officers and everyone came. Fortunately no one was hurt, but it confusing and scary and stressful. Needless to say, I have stayed home from my school today as I am exhausted and shaken. I'll write more about it later probably, right now it's just too fresh and in my mind and I'm too emotional.

I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity/ One day I'm going to make it/ You'll see my face up on the big screen

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I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity. I'm not going to be an unknown. As soon as I'm done teachers college I am going to put myself out there. I am going to get an agent. I am going to take my chance on the acting world. I am going to make it.

If I can just make it through this, I will be able to say I faced the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it didn't stop me, I got through it.

But it's so hard and I'm so tired of tears and stress. Teachers college wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be hard work but it was supposed to be fun too. It was something I've worked towards for years, it wasn't supposed to drag me down. I hate the fact that I feel like this. If I could go back in time I wouldn't choose this school again, I'd apply other places. But I can't change that now, and I'm NOT going to let this thing beat me. But it's so hard and I'm so tired of being stressed and worrying all the time. If I can just make it through this, I know I'll be able to make it through anything.