Jonathan Rucinski, a very kind man who I knew from Backwoods Players, passed away this morning. He finally lost the battle with cancer. Everyone knew he was sick, at the meeting Wednesday they said he was ill but happy to have visitors. He died on Good Friday, which I think is tragic but kind of symbolic too. Situations like this scare me, and make me feel helpless in a way. My Baba died from cancer when I was little, and the fact that a disease like cancer can strike down someone like Jonathan in the prime of his life is scary and so sad. It makes me want to do something, but I don't know what. I just don't feel like I can sit back and watch things like this continue to happen without even making an effort to help. I don't really know what I can do, but I want to do something. I'm tired of losing people, and sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop it. But there are other times that you can actively make an effort to forward the prevention, treatment, and cure of diseases. Because among other people, I lost both my grandfathers and great-uncle to diseases, and if there's something that I could do to possibly help prevent the loss of someone I care about in the future, it just makes sense to try and do it. My thoughts are with Jonathans family; but I'll always remember his friendliness and all his good qualities, particularily in his role as Mr.Blandings in The Settlers At Sunset series. Rest In Peace Jonathan, you'll always be remembered.

4:48 Flesh is over. We had an awesome run. March 9th to 12th (wednesday to saturday). It's been an insanely long week, but a good show, and a lot of fun. Went out every night after the show with some of the cast, which was good times most of the time...except for when I had to watch certain people who I wished weren't there. Stayed up til all hours of the night/early morning at the cast party after the show saturday. Has a lot of fun, worked some things out, all in all an interesting night.

My Grampa died when I was only thirteen. And I still miss him as much as I did then. It seems so unfair that he was taken from us so soon. Because I miss him so much, and I wish he could be here to see all the things I'm doing with my life. I wish he could have been here to see the great grand children he would have eventually had. He was the only Grampa I had left, my Baba died when I was only three, and I think that's part of the reason it was so hard for me to let go. But I know that the love he had for me will last throughout the rest of my life. And working on 4:48 has been a very emotional experience for me, it brings back to the surface all these vibrant memories, some good, some bad, some heartbreaking. We went over the loss section in our show today, it was so emotionally wrenching, it makes me think about all the people I've lost in my life. And I came home, and I was just feeling really sad you know, and I sat down on my bed and I started just pouring all these thoughts racing around in my head out onto the page. And I just cried so hard. I wrote about my Grampa and how much I missed him and how hard it is...and about the people I've lost who are still so much a part of me in who I am. I guess the whole rehearsal today just got me really down, because I haven't cried that hard in a while, obviously I needed to let it out. This whole show is so emotionally draining sometimes. I miss all the people I've lost...some to old age, or cancer, disases or car crashes...they're gone, but they live in my head and my heart, in my memories, their influence on my life lives in my actions.

I miss you Grampa, and I love you.