Sometimes Life is so beautiful, so absolutly exquisive, that it hurts.

You made me cry
You made me die a little inside
but you also made me Live

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. And that's a fucking depressing thought. I can rationalize all I want and tell myself that's not true, so while I can logically think one thing, I can't control what I emotionally feel. And that sucks. Because it seems like no matter what I do, everytime I try and reach out to someone, it doesn't work, it doesn't happen. I just end up crushed and heartsore. Emotionally crippled and unstable, and having to heal again and again. And every time it happens, I just fall harder and feel deeper. So it hurts more each time I'm rejected. Rejection is something I have a hard time dealing with anyway, I take it too personally. But in these cases, how can I not take it personally? It's so hard to meet someone...I've tried through theatre, I've tried through school. Neither seems to have worked out...so where do I look? I'm trying not to look, trying to just live my life, but it's hard. Because sometimes I am just so lonely. You can be surronded by friends and family and be totally loved, but still be lonely. Because it's a longing for a different kind of relationship than those people can provide, and it's even harder when you see people all around who have that. I want that, but sometimes I feel like I'm never going to find it. And I mean I'm not in this mood all the time...but sometimes it just hits me really hard, like now, and I feel so depressed. And I don't know what to do about it, sometimes I cry, rant, but I always dream. There isn't much else I can do, other than go on with my life. And hope, and dream, and have the belief that I know it will get better. And the thing is, I know most people don't even know I'm feeling this way because I'm pretty happy and easy going at school. I don't show it to most people there. And I just have this depth of feeling that is so intense, but at the same time makes me feel so vulnerable, that it's not something I go around talking about to just anybody, because talking about it makes me feel exposed. SO I just keep hoping, and dreaming, and living.

Yes I know I haven't posted in a long time. I tried to the other day, and for some random reason the silly thing wouldn't let me. I has been busy. Parkwood is over, which was a crazy long week end, what with being sick, acting at Parkwood, and then doing front of house for AOST. That was Exhausting! I wrote a bitch of a test today. Theatre History. It was pretty brutal, but strangly enough I think I did better on it than the last one. Odd. I only had 2 hours sleep last night though, for some reason I just couldn't get to sleep. So I was very tired today. Did my second scene last Friday for Film and TV with Kristen. We were both sick...lol...but in spite of that, and the fact that before we even started I knocked over the glass of water in our scene...which Mark was very nice enough to clean up for me :) ...I think it went pretty well. I just finished looking through some picture albums to find the pic I want to take for Drama class tomorrow. I came across some pictures that I need to burn....but also some freaking adorable ones. Honestly, I really was the happiest kid! And I did have the most adorable little brother. And I found the pictures from our performance of Normality at the Hart House, way back from first year :P And Gen really did make like the best couch ever for it! Anyways I think I'm going to go to bed now, and I'll try to update more soon, I'm just too exhausted to write anymore tonight.

Comments, questions, ect. can be posted at my message board at http://www.b2g5.com/boards/board.cgi?&user=DramaQueenForever