My computer hasn't been working since Tuesday night. That's why I haven't been online. And don't even ask me why, it was just having a fit and sulking or something, I dunno. And my allergies have been being a bitch lately, seriously. They are so bad this year, I haven't had allergies like this for YEARS. I stayed up most of last night sneezing and blowing my nose. Anyways, so my birthday has come and gone, it was on Tuesday. It's weird, being 21 now, I know it always takes some adjustment to switch over your age in your mind set, but 21 is even weirder, just like, more difficult to deal with you know. Well just take my word for it. 21 seems so...grown up I guess, it just suddenly seems to have thrown itself at me. I can remember being like 15 and 21 looked so far in the future I didn't think it would ever come. And now it has. And I guess what makes me anxious about it is that I am 21 now. And how soon will 25, and 30, and so on come now. I want to be independent, but at the same time growing up is sometimes very very scary. And part of what makes it scary is that you can't stop it, no matter what you do. And that's what I think anyways. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now, more responsibility able to do more things, but life can be scary too. I seem to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately trying to figure out what I want and who I am exactly. It's not just something you go through as a teenager, as you grow older and more changes you have to readjust things in your mind, at least I think you do.
So I'm dealing with a crisis of faith and mortality, both my own and others, and issues of morality. I've basically started questioning everything I ever have and do believe in, or at least thought I did. And university hasn't helped any, it's just cracked open wider this questioing of everything I believe, this search for truth. And it's scary, really really scary, facing questions of mortality. I mean really facing them, not just mourning the passing of someone when you're like 10, 12, 14. The seeming randomness of it sometimes. Looking for answers, for comfort, when there doesn't seem to be any, or maybe it's just that I haven't found them yet. And just thinking about it sometimes is enough to almost give me an anxiety attack, but at the same time not thinking about it is not an option. They are issues that must be faced, which will intrude on thoughts and demand to be dealt with. And it scares me, it scares me so much sometimes, that people live and people die, and that for all my mocking organized religions, it makes me think, makes me want to believe there is something more. You know, sometimes being able to have blind faith would be really really comforting, but I don't have that and I don't really understand people who do. But there just has to something more, something beyond this life because there just has to be. Life is too wonderful, too fantastic and too complex to just end like that. But then I have all these conflicting views, and I wish that they could just meld together in harmony, science and a logical evolutionary perspective seeming to be at odds with faith and a belief in something more. Because for all my drama queen antics and having my heead in the clouds sometimes I do have my feet firmly planted on the ground. "Your head is perfectly safe in the clouds as long as you've got your feet firmly on the ground" And it's like these warring factions that I desperately want to get along but am not sure how. With this need to believe but at the same time a need for the rational. And it just leads to more questions that make me wonder at everything I believe in, but also what I want in life, or thought I wanted. It's so confusing, this search for answers, this quest to find my true desires and abilities, and I guess through all that to find myself too. SO I guess you'd call it a lot of soul searching that's been going on. And there's a time in my life that I wouldn't have posted all this. In fact, I wrote about it in my journal first, but then I decided, it's just something I wanted, needed to share. I don't know who's going to read it, what they'll think about it, but life is all about taking chances and how can anyone truly get to know you if won't risk exposing your true self. And writing this here does make me nervous, because I am exposing more of myself here than I usually do, but what is life without risk...and communication...so I'm pouring these thoughts out here to share them, that's all.
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Monday, July 26, 2004
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Monday, July 12, 2004
Girly night was good times. It's always fun when the girls get together. Looking forward to doing it again soon. Also amusing was the counting game...counting how many guys yelled at us as we weere out walking...last count was 16 I think...and that's not including the stares we got in the actual bar. Man I have hot friends :P Can't really blame the guys for looking though eh. AND we got free ice cream at the golden griddle...how sweet is that? Sometimes it rocks being a girl! Bar hopping is fun...and if you go to more than one bar than yes, it counts as bar hopping! On a more irritated note, my allergies are having a lovely flare up, which I blame on work. I spend most of my time outside, or in a dusty old portable which includes a guniea pig, so yeah, can't say as I'm terribly surprised but I didn't think they'd be this bad. Honestly, this whole year has just been terrible allergy wise, they haven't been this bad for YEARS! It's really a terrible irritation and inconvienience. and I'm very itchy right now, booo to that! I'm back on the benedryl train most of the time too, which totally sucks ass. I'm desperately looking for a new job, this one is entirely too stressful, too irritating, and too hard on me physically. *tries not to rip out hair* I've already bitten my nails back down to nothing, just when I was doing so well trying to break myself of that nasty habit too. Oh well, life goes on right. Oh...yes, and I'm turning 21 in 15 days...ahh! Now that's kind of scary. Turning 21...one of those things that always seemed so far in the future and is kind of hard to believe that it's actually almost here. *makes face* but I'm having a party so that should be good times, get to see people I haven't seen enough this summer! YaaY!
Friday, July 09, 2004
My job is driving me crazy. I'm so frustrated and frustrated and more frustrated. Also very irritated and itchy. That's what you get working all day either outside or worse, in a dusty old portable with a guniea pig. Yes I said a guniea pig, my daycare keeps it in the portable I spend most of my time in. *itches* It's very very FRUSTRATING working at a place that doesn't follow the rules it's supposed to and doesn't set clear expectations for what's required of me or what I'm able to do. I mean, they're nice people and all, but it's soooo disorganized. And the kids so don't listen at all, well most of them anyways. Thank God it's Friday!!! Seriously, this one week of working has just seemed so insanely long and tiring. I've been exhausted every night and gone to sleep quickly, which is highly unusual for me. Me feet hurt, my legs ache, and I got a sunburn on my back today...I'm radiating heat! I don't mean to sound whiney, I'm just venting and sharing my *wonderful* work experience with you all. Not to say there aren't some good moments.....but not nrealy enough rewarding ones. There are some good kids, and a moment or two each day that is rewarding, but there is so much acting up and behaviour problems with these kids, most of them are so mouthy, they talk back, and don't listen. Anyway I can't even type all about my first week, my fingers would wear out...seriously, it's very compliacated and crazy and long, interesting story perhaps, but too long to type it all out, so I'm going to end it here.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Starting work tomorrow...which should be a good thing, but I'm still very very angry at my company, and I have to go to Whitby. But hopefully the people and kids at my centre will be nice. Went out with Mala and her friends Saturday night. It was good times...and we pretty much drove all over southern ontario haha! We were originally supposed to go to some bar in oshawa, but then the person who knew that bar suddenly couldn't come, so it got changed to this other bar called Robbie's in the 'brough, cuz Mala knows the owner. So she picked me up and we went on our merry way to pick up another friend of hers in oshawa. Well, needless to say we got to the 'shwa and about 1/2 an hour later eventually found this girls house:P lol remember, you're not lost just change where you want to go! So then we headed to the bar where we met up with some friends of Mala's. It was pretty dead to start with but livened up a little as the night went on. These guys who we played pool with kept trying to convince us to go back to their house cuz they "had playstation 2" and that they were really "nice guys". Uh huh...well, needless to say we did NOT go because as Mala and I agreed later, we like being happy and staying unmolested and alive. But those guys kept it up all night, it started to get annoying cuz they wouldn't give up this ridiculous idea. Anyways met some people you know the shpiel. Suddenly about 2 o'clock Mala friend Cindy is like, lets go to a barbeque I was supposed to earlier tonight in rexdale. Well being me who doesn't drive and really doesn't have a sense of where things are cuz of that I had no clue where we were actually going. But off we went to rexdale, it was further than I thought it would be. We stayed there for a little while, but it was late and we were tired so we didn't stay long. Also I was offended by the fact that as we walked up one guy said with disgust "white girl". Well I mean yes I'm white, and they were all brown except for Malas friend Grace that we picked in the 'shwa, but so what, that's not the kind of thing that bothers me. What did bother me is that some small minded biggoted idiot reacted to me like that. But whatever, it wasn't worth causing a scene cuz it was one stupid, small minded guy, whatever. So we headed back to the 'shwa where we transfered over to Mala's car and headed on our way to drop Grace at home. On the way we stopped at Timmy's cuz I was really thirsty. Then McDonalds for something to eat cuz tim hortons didn't have any donuts. Well, weren't we surprised when they told us at the drive through that they were only serving breakfast. Well being it was 4:30 in the morning, we were like what? that's crazy, who eats breaky that earlty, but either way we wanted like fries and whatever not breakfast so we left. An we all agreed that whitby sucks fast food wise cuz everything was closed. We continued our drive and saw another timmys but couldn't get into it, so stopped at a cross country where they had a few selections of donuts but they were very fresh. Then we drove and dropped Mala's friend in Oshawa. Mala and I headed back to Ajax discussing the events of the night, this that and everything else. By this point it was almost 5 o'clock and we were wide awake again, being in the rather giggly but not sleepy stage. Mala dropped me at home a little after 5 and we agreed we must do it again soon. I had a good time, it was very interesting cuz we went all over the place and I met some new people. Thanks for inviting me out Mala! I know this has been a rather longer post than I usually do, but I had a lot to type about and felt like writing. Think positive thoughts for me as I start my job tomorrow :P
