Comments, questions, ect. can be posted at my message board at
http://www.b2g5.com/boards/board.cgi?&user=DramaQueenForever

Hands so cold, body shaking, I think I'm numb. I don't think it has really hit me yet, I'm sure it will later though. I'm still kind of in a state of shock, yet not, contradictory as that seems. Almost of contemplation, I haven't really absorbed, it hasn't really sunk in yet. When I found out, it really hit me physically. I haven't really cried yet, when I heard tears slipped of their own accord out of the corners of my eyes, but I wasn't really aware of them, I wasn't ready to cry, and that was just a few tears not really crying anyways. I haven't given in and broken down yet. That'll happen later tonight, when I'm in my room alone and everyone's gone to bed. I can't give in, can't collapse yet because it's only 5:30 and I still have the rest of the day to get through. I'm not a good crier, and I just can't deal with the questions from my family if they see I've been crying. Even as I write this I feel myself starting to unthaw, I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can't deal with it yet, I just want it to stop. I'm so cold, my bodies still in a state of shock. I want to curl up on my bed and let it all out, why does life have to go on when I feel like this. I wish I could pause the world while I deal with this, just put everything on hold until I have a handle on the disappointment and the pain. But I can't, life insists upon going on, As the radio plays in the background to hide the sound of any sniffles I make I just want to go to bed. I want nighttime to come so I can embrace this pain and deal with it. Why is it that when we're hit with news like this we are rarely able to emotionally deal with it when it happens. It's all inside me right now, spilling out onto the page. Life rarely provides me with the oppourtunity to fully grieve when I really want to, when I really need to.