My computer hasn't been working since Tuesday night. That's why I haven't been online. And don't even ask me why, it was just having a fit and sulking or something, I dunno. And my allergies have been being a bitch lately, seriously. They are so bad this year, I haven't had allergies like this for YEARS. I stayed up most of last night sneezing and blowing my nose. Anyways, so my birthday has come and gone, it was on Tuesday. It's weird, being 21 now, I know it always takes some adjustment to switch over your age in your mind set, but 21 is even weirder, just like, more difficult to deal with you know. Well just take my word for it. 21 seems so...grown up I guess, it just suddenly seems to have thrown itself at me. I can remember being like 15 and 21 looked so far in the future I didn't think it would ever come. And now it has. And I guess what makes me anxious about it is that I am 21 now. And how soon will 25, and 30, and so on come now. I want to be independent, but at the same time growing up is sometimes very very scary. And part of what makes it scary is that you can't stop it, no matter what you do. And that's what I think anyways. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now, more responsibility able to do more things, but life can be scary too. I seem to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately trying to figure out what I want and who I am exactly. It's not just something you go through as a teenager, as you grow older and more changes you have to readjust things in your mind, at least I think you do.
So I'm dealing with a crisis of faith and mortality, both my own and others, and issues of morality. I've basically started questioning everything I ever have and do believe in, or at least thought I did. And university hasn't helped any, it's just cracked open wider this questioing of everything I believe, this search for truth. And it's scary, really really scary, facing questions of mortality. I mean really facing them, not just mourning the passing of someone when you're like 10, 12, 14. The seeming randomness of it sometimes. Looking for answers, for comfort, when there doesn't seem to be any, or maybe it's just that I haven't found them yet. And just thinking about it sometimes is enough to almost give me an anxiety attack, but at the same time not thinking about it is not an option. They are issues that must be faced, which will intrude on thoughts and demand to be dealt with. And it scares me, it scares me so much sometimes, that people live and people die, and that for all my mocking organized religions, it makes me think, makes me want to believe there is something more. You know, sometimes being able to have blind faith would be really really comforting, but I don't have that and I don't really understand people who do. But there just has to something more, something beyond this life because there just has to be. Life is too wonderful, too fantastic and too complex to just end like that. But then I have all these conflicting views, and I wish that they could just meld together in harmony, science and a logical evolutionary perspective seeming to be at odds with faith and a belief in something more. Because for all my drama queen antics and having my heead in the clouds sometimes I do have my feet firmly planted on the ground. "Your head is perfectly safe in the clouds as long as you've got your feet firmly on the ground" And it's like these warring factions that I desperately want to get along but am not sure how. With this need to believe but at the same time a need for the rational. And it just leads to more questions that make me wonder at everything I believe in, but also what I want in life, or thought I wanted. It's so confusing, this search for answers, this quest to find my true desires and abilities, and I guess through all that to find myself too. SO I guess you'd call it a lot of soul searching that's been going on. And there's a time in my life that I wouldn't have posted all this. In fact, I wrote about it in my journal first, but then I decided, it's just something I wanted, needed to share. I don't know who's going to read it, what they'll think about it, but life is all about taking chances and how can anyone truly get to know you if won't risk exposing your true self. And writing this here does make me nervous, because I am exposing more of myself here than I usually do, but what is life without risk...and communication...so I'm pouring these thoughts out here to share them, that's all.