so fucking tired and stressed from school. And no time to write, or act, or do any of the creative stress relieving things that I love to do. AND I went for my blood test this morning...they took FOUR freaking vials of blood from me, what are they, vampires? That is too much, they don't need to test for THAT many things. Exhuatsed, and I don't know if it's from having blood taken, or stress, or not enough sleep, or anemia, or a combination or what. I should do work, but I am light headed and exhausted so I think I am going to go lie down again.

Okay, I really dislike this switching over from old blogger to new blogger thing. The last 3 times i tried it wouldn't work for me, hence it's been awhile since I updated.

After a week of crazy emotional school stress, I had a scary end to top it all off.

Last night when we had stopped at my Nana's, a fire broke out on her balcony while my mum and I were there. It was scary as hell, and I had to call 911 and all the firefighters and police officers and everyone came. Fortunately no one was hurt, but it confusing and scary and stressful. Needless to say, I have stayed home from my school today as I am exhausted and shaken. I'll write more about it later probably, right now it's just too fresh and in my mind and I'm too emotional.

I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity/ One day I'm going to make it/ You'll see my face up on the big screen

I am worth $2,203,092 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity. I'm not going to be an unknown. As soon as I'm done teachers college I am going to put myself out there. I am going to get an agent. I am going to take my chance on the acting world. I am going to make it.

If I can just make it through this, I will be able to say I faced the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it didn't stop me, I got through it.

But it's so hard and I'm so tired of tears and stress. Teachers college wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be hard work but it was supposed to be fun too. It was something I've worked towards for years, it wasn't supposed to drag me down. I hate the fact that I feel like this. If I could go back in time I wouldn't choose this school again, I'd apply other places. But I can't change that now, and I'm NOT going to let this thing beat me. But it's so hard and I'm so tired of being stressed and worrying all the time. If I can just make it through this, I know I'll be able to make it through anything.

'Cause this big ol' world ain't ready for a little girl like me

I'm not going to be a victim of mediocrity

I wrote this in an email to my friend, and while I've been very honest about how I've felt and been dealing with teachers college, I think I captured the emotions and meaning pretty well in this email so I thought I'd share it...

Growing up certainly is wild, it's more than wild, it's emotional, exciting, scary, and just as full of highs and lows as being a teenager ever was! lol Teachers College...well, it's going. It has become an all consuming, crazy stressful experience. It's probably the most stressful thing I've ever done. I love working with the kids, but there's a whole lot of other stressful crap and people to deal with that really have nothing to do with teaching. Like almost every single person in my program, I've come to the conclusion that teachers college really is nothing like the teaching world, it's a very strange, very stressful artificial situation. Mind you, apparently a lot of the stress is just York...I keep hearing stories of all these people at other universities who are board and saying their school is a bird course....I'm wishing for a little of that about now! :P But anyways I'm surviving...barely lol, But as for the not going crazy, I can't vouch for that...

I really, really HATE being sick. Not only did I have to miss school, and teaching my lessons, this week, but this is the second weekend of going out fun that I have missed. I was sooooo sick last weekend, I got an uber bad case of the flu. I got sick a week ago friday, and was out for the whole weekend...I had a fever til monday! And even once the fever broke I could barely walk, I was all dizzy and weak. And the sysmptoms just like, morphed into something else once the fever was gone. My throats been killing me, my nose was running like a tap, and now is completely stuffed up. It seems like all I've been doing the past couple days is blow my nose, and clear my throat, and cough. And I still feel like crap. This really sucks. And I've still had stuff that was due and I had to hand in at my clsses this week...it's real fun trying to do work when you're sick. I haven't been this sick, Really sick, in awhile. I hope I get better soon, cause I'm still so wiped and sick and feeling like crap. :(

What a night, what a night. It was a very interesting night out with my girls, both good and bad happenings going on. It started a little slow, but boy oh boy did it pick up later on. My best friend D was home from Alberta so she came out with, and that was awesome. Also, whenever B, M and I go out all together, crazy things seem to happen and we always end up with interesting stories. Going out with my girls again tomorrow, and we'll see what that evening has to hold...:D

Caught between who I am and who I want to be.

That so completely describes where i am right now. It's like Bon Jovi was reading my mind/soul with that line, that song. I want to be a teacher, but I don't want to be. This program is burning me out in terribly stressful manner. I want to be an actor, right now...but I want to finish what I started with teachers college. I know I've been posting a lot of song lyrics lately, but this song so completely describes how I'm feeling, and probably in a more coherant way than I could right now.


"Welcome To Wherever You Are"
Bon Jovi

Maybe we're different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden, running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end

[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around

[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

Be who you want to, be who you are
Everyones a hero, everyones a star
When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

[Chorus]
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

While I haven't recently had a boy cheat on me, I can really relate to these lyrics. The boy these lyrics make me think of may not have cheated, but I feel like the lyrics could describe him anyways...and how I was feeling a few weeks ago as well.


Before He Cheats
Carrie Underwood

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp,and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Right now, she's probably up singing somewhite-trash version of Shania karoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom cologne...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat,
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...

Whereas before I was counting down the days until teachers college started, now I am counting down the days until it ends...who knew it would be so completely, totally different from what I was expecting. If I can just manage the stress and anxiety, I may make it through yet...

It's bad though, that I'm stressing out about school again. I don't go back for almost 2 weeks, and already I am so stressed out about everything that I have to do, or will have to do. In all honesty it's become a daily questioning of myself whether I really want to go back or not. Is this kind of stress worth it? Worth a degree? Worth something I'm not even sure I want to do anymore because this crappy program has burned me out? But on the other hand, I've already invested so much time, effort, and money into this program that it seems like it would be a waste to quit now. And I'm not a "quitter", I never have been. When I start something I want to finish it, especially something like this. But is getting this degree worth it? Worth all the stress and anxiety and tears that I know is going to come with the second, longer semester of this program? I don't know anymore, I just don't know.

And that's not really a comfortable state of mind to live in.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! Mine was good, lots of family stuff and such. And in case I don't update before then, hope everyone has an awesome New Years as well!

Almost Doesn't Count
Brandy
_____

Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt be there kind of man
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya 'round
Almost doesn't count




Better Things To Do
Terri Clark
____

Don't tell me the reason that you're calling
Is to see if I'm all right since you've been gone
'Cause I know you and I know why we're talking
You're wanting me to say I'm barely hanging on
Well, maybe that was true for a night or two
But now, I got better things to do

I could wash my car in the rain
Change my new guitar strings
Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do

Maybe when I don't have so much going
Or quite so many irons in the fire
I'll take the time to miss you like you're hoping
But now, I can't put forth the effort it requires
Well, I'd love to talk to you, but then, I'd miss Donahue
That's right, I got better things to do

I could wash my car in the rain
Change my new guitar strings
Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do

Check the air in my tires
Straighten my stereo wires
Count the stars in the sky or just get on with my life
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do
I got better things to do

This is has been a hellishly exhausting and stressful couple of weeks. But the last assignment has FINALLY been handed in for the semester...even though I still have to teach next week...that part kind of sucks, I want to do christmas things! But at least the written assignments are done. And tonight I am going to a potluck some friends from school are having, then out dancing. And then tomorrow, my nana and cousins will be here from the states! Yay!

Boys are so immature sometimes. Oh well, I went shopping with M and B and I bought a really hot new top to wear next time I am going to see a particular immature boy. Help him recognize what he's missing you know...

That's such a girly thing to do, but I can't help it...I'm such a girly girl sometimes...

School is going better. Although it's still crazy stressful, I'm in environment that better suits me now, so that is helping. Although I did end up crying 2 days in a row at school last week, and thats never a good week when that happens. However, that was having to deal with issues from the place I was working before, and I'm just trying to leave all that crazy shit and emotional angst behind if some people would let me...I'm even feeling slightly organized because I'm almost done an assignment that's not due til thursday! Yay me!

If I have a bruise from a barfight that happened right in front of me, from bumping my knee against the table when it happened, does that count as being involved? Can I say I've officially been involved in a bar fight? :P Oh my goodness, cuz that's what went down friday night...can't even begin to explain that here now, it would take way too long.

Going to go work on my math assignment tonight, and then I am SO looking forward to partying with my girls downtown this friday!

Exhausted.

Burned out.

Sick.

But I got through block.

Completely exhausted.