Well it's been a while since I've posted. I've wanted to, but I've been busy and usually when I think of it is at night when I'm too tired. So what have I been up to lately...well I've started my summer school course downtown - children's lit - which is really interesting but involves a lot more travel. That's kind of a pain. But it is interesting too because I am able to do a lot of people watching. My friend Jenn recently had her beautiful baby boy named Jack. I went to visit her and her new baby in the hospital and I got to hold him, a tiny, little barely two day old baby. He was so tiny and cute and just freaking adorable...what can I say, I'm a sucker for babies. I was very glad to see Jenn too and that she came out of her surgery alright. Although we talk online I hadn't actually seen her for a while, so it was very good to have a nice chat. Hopefully this summer, now that she will be feeling better, we will be able to visit much more! I miss seeing her. I am also in a play called A Wolf's Tale, which my friend Mala is directing, and a fine job she is doing too...so far...jokes! It's a lot of fun so far because mala and heather are involved...and for once I am not typecast, I am the bad one! WooT! Thanks go out to Mala for seeing that I can play other roles that the ones I tend to get type cast in. I also went to Ron's memorial at the village last week-end, it was really nice. We met up and walked to the chapel where they played a song, and then we all shared memories we had of ron. Then they dedicated the bench that had been made in his memory, and we lit candles while they played the second song. It really was beautiful and moving. Afterwards we went out for a drink in his memory, and I had a good time with my Backwoods peeps...I really feel like I fit in so well there, such a sense of acceptance is what it really boils down to. On that note, I have a production meeting for Spirit Walk this coming week, which I am stage managing this year. I am very happy and excited to be doing so. I just have to say that John, Katrina, and Julie have to be some of my favourite people there, they are so supportive and ecouraging to me and I love them for it, they're so awesome. Desiree is coming home soon for a visit, June 17th, my dad's b-day as a matter of fact, and I can hardly wait. I really miss having her around....especially to bite ;) lll ypu georgists forever. And this year I plan on taking loads of pics of her and me, cuz I don't really have any recent ones. As of yet I have no summer job lined up, which is unfortunate, but I'm still looking. Unfortunately/fortunately I won't be going back to schoolhouse playcare to work in daycare, not after the way they screwed me over last year. So hopefully something will come up soon. In the meantime I have started doing some of my volunteer hours which I need for teachers college. I'm teaching drama to grade fives and sixes, and they are very cute, but rowdy. As well I am volunteering in some other classrooms for more general experience. Also last week-end I went to Leya's party, which was muchly fun, especially since I got to catch up with friends I haven't seen for a while. And I met a cute guy ;) who asked for my email...enough said about that. I also have found out some interesting information about every dog has it's day, the other play I'm going to be acting in this summer...I'm looking forward muchly to that, and julie filled me in on some of the interesting details about the upcoming script! :) Well, that has been more than a mouthfull, but I think I've covered all the major happenings that have been going on in my life lately. If I've missed anything hopefully I'll remember it next time:P

A number of recent events have made me realize how truly insignificant you are in the course of my life. I can't believe I didn't see it before, but you're just not worth it. I have too many other things that are vitally important to me, that are so significant to my life, to be wasting my time on someone who doesn't realize, doesn't even come close to knowing, my true value as person, as everything I am and can be. You did hurt me, a lot. In fact, you probally have no idea of the depth of suffering you caused me. You made me cry, a lot. But worse, you made me doubt myself. However, I don't hate you, because you also made me dream; and dreaming is so much a part of my life that I can't hate someone who provided so much of that to me, however unknowingly. I don't hate you, but it's time to move on and I'm leaving you as far behind as I can. Certain events that have been happening lately in my life, have brought me to the conclusion that it's not worth wasting my time on you; you're really trivial in the overall pattern that my life is taking. There are far more important, relevant, life-altering things going on right now that I have to deal with than wasting my time and energy on trying to make you want me. So I'm saying good-bye, and while I realize that it won't be easy, I'm leaving you behind as I start this next chapter of my life.

Years ago my cousin Paul died in a car accident when he was 16. He was alone in the car, and driving at night. It's one of those things you don't really get over, you move on, but that will stay with you, I think because he was so young and had hardly had a chance at life.

The other night I was watching like a documentary type show on kids and driving. It not only had a bit on how car and booster seats save lives, but also on graduated licensing. It went over the problems and statistics of young drivers, and the elevated risks involved in different situations. It was an american program and showed how one state that had developed a completely graduated licensing program had made a difference in the lives and safety of teens. The state had rules similar to canadian graduated licensing like not being allowed to drive by yourself for a certain amount of time, or at night, and having to log a certain amount of hours driving with a parent or guardian at different times, like day and night, and highway and ect. And the statistics after the system had been put in place changed drasticly. There was a 25% reduction in the rate of young drivers accidents. It really seemed so simple, the procedures they put in place but that saves countless numbers of lives. By now, many other states have also gone to graduated licesing systems, but many were only partial systems, and thus were not very effective.

I was always kind of lukewam, in the middle about how I felt about the graduated licensing system. I thought it was probally a good idea, you know, but that it was a pain that it didn't happen a little later, for it was only instated in canada a few years before I was eligable to get my license. And I thought, uh, couldn't they have waited a few years more until I got my license and then it wouldn't have taken me this long.

And then I watched that documentary. And I realized that if there had been a graduated licensing system in place in Tenessee when my cousin Paul first got his license, he never would have been driving by himself at 16, an inexperienced driver facing bad weather at night by himself. And that maybe he wouldn't have died that night.

And when I realized that, my lukewarm view on the graduated licensing system swung completly and absolutely to one side. Whereas before I thought why couldn't they have waited a little longer, now I think why couldn't they have done it a little sooner. It might have saved my cousins life. And although it didn't save him, I think about the other people it can now save. I thought about my brother, and my other cousins, and how glad I am graduated driving is now the law in Canada, because I couldn't stand it if I lost anyone else that way.

It didn't save Paul, and god how much I miss him...but it will save other people.

Now I fully support the graduated licensing system, in Canada, in the United States, wherever. For him. Because it might save someones elses cousin, or brother, or son. Someone else in my family, or even me.

In memory of Paul Jolicouer. I love you, I miss you, always and forever in my heart.

I'm getting my hair dyed today! Woot! But then I have to be at the museum for a meeting at 10 AM on Saturday morning. Not so woot. However, I have been looking into the requirements that I need to get into teachers college and get my B.E., and the curriculum of what and how I will be studying when I get in (hopefully!). It is all very exciting. Meh, so call me a nerd, but I am very excited about the whole thing and getting started on my volunteer hours once exams are over. *does a little dance*

Jonathan Rucinski, a very kind man who I knew from Backwoods Players, passed away this morning. He finally lost the battle with cancer. Everyone knew he was sick, at the meeting Wednesday they said he was ill but happy to have visitors. He died on Good Friday, which I think is tragic but kind of symbolic too. Situations like this scare me, and make me feel helpless in a way. My Baba died from cancer when I was little, and the fact that a disease like cancer can strike down someone like Jonathan in the prime of his life is scary and so sad. It makes me want to do something, but I don't know what. I just don't feel like I can sit back and watch things like this continue to happen without even making an effort to help. I don't really know what I can do, but I want to do something. I'm tired of losing people, and sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop it. But there are other times that you can actively make an effort to forward the prevention, treatment, and cure of diseases. Because among other people, I lost both my grandfathers and great-uncle to diseases, and if there's something that I could do to possibly help prevent the loss of someone I care about in the future, it just makes sense to try and do it. My thoughts are with Jonathans family; but I'll always remember his friendliness and all his good qualities, particularily in his role as Mr.Blandings in The Settlers At Sunset series. Rest In Peace Jonathan, you'll always be remembered.

4:48 Flesh is over. We had an awesome run. March 9th to 12th (wednesday to saturday). It's been an insanely long week, but a good show, and a lot of fun. Went out every night after the show with some of the cast, which was good times most of the time...except for when I had to watch certain people who I wished weren't there. Stayed up til all hours of the night/early morning at the cast party after the show saturday. Has a lot of fun, worked some things out, all in all an interesting night.

My Grampa died when I was only thirteen. And I still miss him as much as I did then. It seems so unfair that he was taken from us so soon. Because I miss him so much, and I wish he could be here to see all the things I'm doing with my life. I wish he could have been here to see the great grand children he would have eventually had. He was the only Grampa I had left, my Baba died when I was only three, and I think that's part of the reason it was so hard for me to let go. But I know that the love he had for me will last throughout the rest of my life. And working on 4:48 has been a very emotional experience for me, it brings back to the surface all these vibrant memories, some good, some bad, some heartbreaking. We went over the loss section in our show today, it was so emotionally wrenching, it makes me think about all the people I've lost in my life. And I came home, and I was just feeling really sad you know, and I sat down on my bed and I started just pouring all these thoughts racing around in my head out onto the page. And I just cried so hard. I wrote about my Grampa and how much I missed him and how hard it is...and about the people I've lost who are still so much a part of me in who I am. I guess the whole rehearsal today just got me really down, because I haven't cried that hard in a while, obviously I needed to let it out. This whole show is so emotionally draining sometimes. I miss all the people I've lost...some to old age, or cancer, disases or car crashes...they're gone, but they live in my head and my heart, in my memories, their influence on my life lives in my actions.

I miss you Grampa, and I love you.

Some people aren't the friends I thought they were.

And some others are a lot nicer my so called friends.

If that makes any sense.

And that makes me feel angry, and a little sad, and kind of betrayed.

"I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
my weakness is, I feel too much"

sometimes all it takes is a smile

that certain smile that makes me melt

"one day you'll say I was the one"

but by then it may be too late

I fucking hurt. For about a week each month it hurts to be a girl (and by hurts I mean I mean physically painful). And I think it is so unfair. It's like, my body is mad at me, but I know it's not...I know it's just doing what it has to do...but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm livin' in PMS city right about now, so you've all been warned. I am not responsible if anyone pisses me off for the next couple days...emotional spikes...pain...feeling like nothing I own fits right....oh, the joys of "womanhood".

I just want your arms around me

I've wasted too many tears on you already

We have to dream in order to survive, but how can I live if all I dream of is You.

I wish I meant as much to you as you mean to me.

Won't you rescue me from this dream world.

I am NOT ready to go back to school, and Tuesday is fast approaching...

It's Christmas Eve! I am very happy and excited cuz I love Christmas, I just think it's one of the best holdidays. It's all about family time, wrapping presents, decorating, baking and eating good things, and just have fun, warm time at home with the family. I especially love watching all the good old movies that are on. I did a fair amount of baking this year and we have lots of yummy things to munch on this week-end. It is very cold, icy and snowy out, which is making for not so good driving, but I am very glad that it snowed, and that there will be more snow, because I'm a HUGE fan of snow at christmas. It just doesn't feel the same without it. All my shoppings done, decorations up, just a few presents left to wrap, so I'm good to go for rockin' christmas eve! Somehow, it seemed to sneak up on me this year, I think mostly because my last exam wasn't until this past Tuesday, the 21st, so it feels like school just ended and there should be more time before christmas. Either way I'm glad it's here, and after that am looking forward to good New Years Eve times with good friends. Parties are fun! So I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and if I don't see you New Years have a rockin time then too!

Between grade 9 and OAC was a lifetime. And somewhere Between OAC and 3rd year university, I grew up.

That doesn't mean I consider myself an adult, I don't really, because I don't feel like one. I'm just me, 21, and I don't know exactly what that makes me. I do know that I can't even begin to describe all the changes that I went through that made me who I am today. By OAC I had changed so much and although part of me was still who I was in grade 9, I had grown so much that in a way I was a completly different person. And I was lying in bed last night when it dawned on me. Although I went through a lot of changes in high school, and it was a lifetime in itself, somewhere along the way in the past couple years I think I grew up.

Feeling a Little Bitter and Misunderstood

Some people have allergies. Therefore they THINK they know allergies. They have an attitude that, quite frankly, just gets right under my skin and irritates the hell out of me. So you think you know what allergies are, you think you have the right to complain about them eh? Oh, so you're allergic to dust huh? oh...cats make you sneeze? Well, when your skin has been so dry and irritated that putting cream on it, putting anything on it to try and moisterize it, even just plain old fridge oil, has hurt so much that it has made you cry...when you have had to take an oatmeal bath in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of the night to calm your skin...when you have been up all night unable to lie down to sleep because your nose is so stuffy you can't breathe...when you have had to go to parties late and leave them early because you react to the household pets and end up feeling miserable...when you have gotten an allergic reaction on your feet from running around barefoot in the grass...when you have been miserable at school all day from a runny nose, sneezing, itchy eyes, feeling like you can't breathe, because some inconsiderate person doused themselves with half a bottle of perfume that morning...when you have had to take so much benedryll over an extended period of time that it gives you heartburn...when you have learned that you have to carry allergy medication with you pretty much everywhere that you go...and when you have missed out on activities, fun things, because they were going to be all day outdoor events, and you knew you couldn't take it with all the pollen, and grass, and trees, and ragweed and everything....then you have the right to say you know what allergies are, and then you can fucking complain about your allergies to me. But not before then, because this list only begins to describe the kind of things I grew up with, and many of the things I still have to live with to this day. So I'm sorry if I don't seem properly sympathetic to your being allergic to, perhaps cats, or dogs, or your one allergy. And if I get a little snippy about your high handed attitude about how you don't take allergy medication, how you get along without it, how you have the strength of will to get along without it, or I seem a little offended when someone who doesn't have allergies judges me, maybe now you'll understand why.

I read this on the group hug/anonymous online confessions website http://grouphug.us/
I really related to it. It really moved me, maybe because I feel like it describes just what I've been feeling, but haven't really been able to put into words yet.


"I want you to know that you mean the world to me,but you yourself are not my world. That I can still make it without you, that I dont need you to survive. But it'll be nice to have something extra to look forward to if you were around. I want you to know that I'm a strong alpha woman who has dreams and aspirations of her own. But why is it everytime I look at you and see you as yourself, not perfect but perfectly imperfect, I lose myself and I drown myself in the thought of you and me as one?"

I thought you'd walk beside me;
instead I walk alone,
along this empty street,
full of broken dreams,
oppressive in its silence,
starving in its clutter,
the weight drags me down.
sounds of sorrow
echoing off invisable walls
block me in
slow my footsteps
seductively invite me to stay,
then brusquely watch me break
and tear me apart

I hate how you make me feel
and that makes me want to hate you
but I can't
not yet anyways
maybe one day you'll do something that
will push me over the edge
and I won't care anymore ~
one day.
because I hate what you do to me
how you've filled my mind
and I thought,
my heart
but now you're so cold
your indifference burns me like ice
and yet I can't free myself of you.
You used to fill my thoughts,
and now I can forget about you
for a while
but then the piercing pain fills my soul again
does this mean I'm getting over you
or is it just that I've become so used to
your presence inside my head I don't
even realize you're there,
and I dream of you
the taste of your lips
the heat of your body
the beating of my heart
as I hold you close,
I long for
the sweet passion in your eyes
when you look at me
of endless hours in your arms
the balm of your embrace
filling me, making me whole
erasing the pain of the past
I dream of you
and yet
I wish I could forget you
I wish you would leave my mind
Leave my tomented soul
LEAVE!
but please don't forget me