I knew that I was going to cry when I got my York letter, I just didn't know whether they would be tears of joy or tears of grief.

Well I finally got my York letter today.

They were tears of joy. I got my acceptance letter and I'm going to teachers college this fall!!!!!!! I'm going to be a teacher! I've waited for so long for this, and now it's finally happening, I got in! I am now officially a teacher candidate, in my first choice of schools for it!

I am so happy and excited and relieved, I can't even really begin to describe it all.

This has been one of the best days I've had in a long time.

The Countdown is over. Teachers College Admission letters are being mailed out today. And so the waiting game begins again...

So much work to do, and so little time. Taking a little break from writing one of the many essays due this coming week. My back and teeth were bothering me, so I had to get up and take a little break...which consisited of coming to my computer :P The stress of waiting to hear from teachers college has been getting worse and worse as the date comes closer. It's a stressful time of year anyway, what with school drawing to a close and so many things being due, but the EXTRA stress about teachers college has a gillionafied it approximately. Practically everyday this past week I have had a mini break down, sometimes stressing about TC, sometimes about other things. Stress really can play havoc with your emotions, and if I hadn't know that before, this year would sure as hell have shown me. Things that normally would just make me sad, or maybe make my eyes water, have been making me flat out cry my eyes out, like sad tv commercials or radio ads. It's all just so much, and there has to be an emotional release somehow I guess. It's just a lot to take, but Monday the admission letters go out...so soon I will know one way or another what I will be doing with at least the next year of my life...*fingers crossed*

I voted today in the By Election YaY! Very exciting. Even though when I presented my voting card I was not on the list. They lost me...or as the woman put it, I was missing in action. Even though I have voted before. Well, eventually they found me....not the same people...I had to go to the 'help' desk, and that woman actually knew what to do. Turns out the first woman was looking for my name under one of my middle names...even though my mother...who has the exact same last name as me....had just voted before me at the exact same station...duh! Some people are just naturally a little slow I guess...Anyways thats my election story, and I'm stickin to it:P

Hoo-Ray for Voting!

Election days Rock!

Proud to be a Votin' Canadian!

I never want to let my age define who I am. I don't want it to limit how I act, how I dress, or who I'm friends with, what I want to do or what I think I can do. Sometimes other people define who I am by it, but I hope that I never fall into that trap and do that to myself. My age is only one part of who I am, only one small facet of what makes up my personality, I recognize it's not who I am, but only one part of it. And in knowing this, I try not to judge other people by their ages, not to define who I think they are or what they are capable of doing, just by how many years old they are. I try to just take it as part of who they are, and I hope that I am able to break through some peoples preconceptions of me by my age, by showing how capable and talented I am through what I do and how I choose to act. You know how there are some people who will brush you off, or treat you differently because you're younger....with the idea in their mind that you can plainly see in their attitude, 'oh, she's just 22'. Well, I know some people like that, and I'm not going to let them define who I am, I can show who I am by just being me and letting them see that.

I am so lame sometimes I just have to laugh. Well, maybe that's not really being fair to myself, but I certainly am an emotional wreck from all the stress I've been under lately.

Example.
This morning I was getting ready to go the school I volunteer at Friday afternoons, and as usual I was running late. So I was hurredly brushing my teeth, and upon suddenly looking closer, I realized to my shock HOW much the spaces in my upper teeth have actually closed in from the braces. I was so happy, I just started to cry. It was ridiculous, here I am, running late, brushing me teeth, crying in the bathroom. I was just so happy, and relieved, and kind of in shock I guess that it is actually working. It's been six monthes this month since I got the upper braces on, and it seems like both such a long/and short time. It's a really frustrating process because I can't really see the gradual process in my teeth myself. But you know, it's like every once in a while I'll look closely and be amazed by what I see. I have been really self conscious about my teeth for so long, and the braces have seemed to been on for so long already, it just seemed like one of those things that will never happen. Like I know eventually I will have nice straight teeth, but I can't really imagine it. And seeing, REALLY realizing that the spaces where I had teeth removed is at LEAST, if not more, than half of what was there originally after the extractions, just really hit me. On one hand, I felt so happy, on the other hand ridiculous because I was crying in my bathroom over the fact that my teeth had moved. It just really got to me, it's like it's actually happening. And I have been self conscious about my teeth for so long, the fact that the braces are actually working, that I can see it starting to happen, just overwhelmed me with joy and shock and relief and I don't know what else. Even now it's bringing tears to my eyes because I'm so happy, and thankful. And maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I am an emotional person, what can I say, my emotions often run away without my consent. However this constant waiting to hear from teachers college (10 days til admission letters are mailed....I mean 9 now!) is just really stressing me out so much, and making me feel like an emotional trainwreck right now. I know, this too shall pass...but in the meantime I think the stress is making me overemotional and sensitive. However that's my little sharing piece for the day, it might not mean much to anyone else, but it was kind of like my little epiphany for the day, and maybe it will give some hope to someone else reading this and suffering through braces. :)

Know what?

I am now officially on the Backwoods Board of Directors, I have been offered a new babysitting job, I have a new pretty necklace my brother brought me from Spain, and I have lots of chocolate (some of it is even from europe oooohhhh:P).

I am having a very good day :)

York Interview is done, and now only a few weeks to go until I know what I will be doing this fall...

And so the countdown begins...

HAPPY ST.PATRICK'S DAY!

It's the wearin' o' the green day, and I definately will be wearing plenty of it. Very proud to be a Canadian with Irish heritage, from both sides of my family. With a name like mine, how can I help but celebrate? :P hehehe Hope everyone has a great St.Paddy's Day, and remember.....Go IRISH!

P.S. going to go put green food dye in my hair now :)

.....................................................

Update: Very disgruntled. Someone used up all the green food dye, and didn't get more, so I had none for my hair.

This is freaky...apparently I act exactly my age? NOT! I took another quiz and it told me my inner child was six...but here is this quiz result anyways...

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

and more quizs to procrastinate...even though I should be doing other things....

Your Inner Child Is Angry

You're not an angry person.But when you don't get your way, watch out.Like a very manipulative kid, you will get what you want.Even if it takes a little kicking and screaming.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Ok much as I hate to admit it, this one is kind of true...:P angry inner child :P

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you compelte. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Your Pimp Name Is...

Peachy Tease

What's" Your Pimp Name?

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Inside you've got the passion and ideals of a teenagerAnd your intensity for life is what attracts most of the men you dateYou also like to party - and quite often you're the life of the partyYou've brought the best of your younger years with you... at least most of the time.

Are You A Girl Or a Woman?

You are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streakYou're a famous beauty - with unique lookAnd the people like you are cultish about it

What Famous Pinup Are You?

I GOT MY INTERVIEW LETTER FOR YORK! YES!! FINALLY!!!
That just made my day yesterday. After monthes of anxiously waiting, once I had given up checking my mailbox everyday, my letter giving me an interview date for york's teacher's college program finally came. I am so glad, and so relieved that I at least got an interview...that means they are actually considering me! The interview is schedueled for Thursday though, which is really freaking soon! Less than a week to prepare! So I am already anxiously plotting what I am going to say, and wear, and how to wear my hair...:P Hey that stuff is important too, haven't you ever watched What Not To Wear? However my interview also got schedueled during a really busy week for me schoolwise; on top of interview stress prep I also have to do two short (2-3 pg) english assignments, a 10 pg essay, prepare a seminar presentation to run by my prof by Wednesday, and I have another whopper of an essay which I am supposed to have started by now, but haven't...who has the time? Oh yes, and I am supposed to have another essay proposal done but it's not technically worth marks, and I am just going to ignore that one for now...and that's not including the readings I am supposed to have done for this week such as history chapters, 2 or 3 plays, and a novel...
So already I am crazy stressed out about the week to come. But I am going to focus and try and cut at least 2 of those assignments off my list tonight. I will have all the assignments done (hopefully) by the end of this week-end, or Monday at the latest, so I can focus on my seminar presentaion and teachers college interview. Oh and on top of everything else, I am trying to find a summer job, filling out applications and such. So I'm feeling a *lil* stressed and crazied out, but I just gotta focus and get it all done. Although my interview came at such a crazy busy time, I am so glad to have it that I am beating back my natural procrastination skills and tryingto put my weekend to good use. It's the only way I'm not going to give myself a stress related ulcer/ or anxiety attack by the end of next week I think :P
All the busy things need to be done early in the week, so at least I have the comfort of knowing I will be done this batch of busy time after Thursday, and be able to enjoy next weekend a little...there are people I want to hang out with!

There are two things in my life that you don't fuck with; my family, and my acting. Anyone who really knows me know this, and yet various people have messed around with one, or the other, or sometimes even both at once. I'm a pretty open person and I'd say most people know that those are two aspects of my life that are tremendously important to me, and that I am very protective of. I am far liklier to forgive someone who has done something to me, than to someone in my family. While I can get over things done to me, I am far less likely to forgive someone for hurting my family; that is one of the few areas I definately hold a grudge in. I may sound like a gangster here, but I do have that mentality of 'you mess with my family, you mess with me'. I could understand someone who didn't know me not knowing how I would react to those areas of my life being threatened, I wouldn't condone it, but I could understand it. However, what baffles me is the people who know me not getting that; people who I have spent considerable amounts of time with in the past, not understanding how I would react, how I would take offense to those areas of my life being threatened or messed with. I don't understand it, and I don't think I ever will, but I guess that's just life.

There is SO going to be Elvis music played at my wedding.

You know what's creepy?
It's creepy when you're on a school field trip, bowling with a bunch of little kids in the middle of the afternoon, and old men check you out.
Very Creepy.

Stupid Fucking Braces.
End of post.

In intense and incredible physical pain. Yesterday was a complete write off of a day, and today pretty much too. Yesterday I got my bottom wire put on, and the elastics on my top braces changed. I was expecting so much pain, because I've already had the top ones on for a while. Well my god it was terrible, worse than the first time I even got them on. I hurt so much that the 2 advils I took didn't even dull the pain, didn't even take the edge off. So basically, all I did yesterday was take 2 advils every four hours, wrap myself in a blanket and lay around watching tv, not eating. I kept taking the advil, even though it didn't seem to be doing anything....maybe it would have made my head explode if I hadn't taken it though. I do not rememebr the last time I was in pain like that; imagine having a really bad toothache, one that goes right down from the roots of your tooth to the tips, and then imagine having that in every single tooth, and multiply that by about a thousand....thouse million maybe...and you get an idea of what I was feeling. I was expecting the bottom wire to be more managable pain since I had already experienced the trauma of the top barces wire going on, and so knew what to expect. But no no....a dreadful, horrible experience, which pains not only my mouth but this week down my jaw, chin, and right up into my ears. At least the advil dulled the pain a little bit today, but I just want it to go away. Hardly ate anything today either....this is why I'm losing weight. This has been a very bad week so far. And I have to go teach drama to grade 7's today, with a very pain filled mouth...having to be loud (it hurts my mouth to talk loudly) and patient when I'm in pain....this'll be fun...:(

I broke myself again. I was being industrius and sorting, and tidying a whole bunch of crap that has been piling up for a while, and I told myself I would do over reading week. So it was going good and I was pretty pleased with myself. There was a humoungous pile of papers for recycling and a lovely absence of huge piles of papers, I just had some sorted piles I had to put away. So I opened up the first drawer of my file cabinet, and nothing more would fit. I opened up the 2nd drawer to see what was in it (leaving the 1st drawer open, bc I have some clothes hung up on the handle of the 1st drawer and I can't open the lower drawers without having it open first). Discovering that someone else had appropriated what little space was left in it, I then opened the 3rd drawer, and just had enough time to jump back out of the way as my entire 4 cabinet file cabinet came crashing down. It made a very loud, very bad noise...it's a pretty good sized sucker. Of course though it wasn't just the cabinet that was crashed over, drawers laying crookedly open, my TV had also fallen off the top of it, knocking a good sized gouge out of my bookshelf, as I was to discover. It also knocked some trinkets on my bookshelf around, and broke the edge of one of my favourite candle holders. As I kept checking for damage I discovered it had also knocked down my curio cabinet off the wall as it smashed down. I was horrifed, I have a lot of little things I value in it, and it has a glass front, and if they haad all broke I think that would have upset me most of anything. Well, f the tv/file cabinet did knock the display (curio) case off the wall, but fortunately as it did it ripped a piece of wood off the edge, releasing the glass front so that it hadn't shattered. The case is missing a chunk, but the glass and almost all the things inside are ok. only one unicorn broke his leg :( And my TV is now a little worse for the wear, having left some black marks on my bookcase, but it's apparently tougher than it looks because we plugged it back in and it still works fine! However, 2 of my file cabinet drawers are now whacked out, they don't fit properly anymore; my dad is away for the week end and I am hoping once he gets back he will be able to fix them. This is what I get for trying to tidy things I guess huh...well, despite the bad things that happened, they could have been a lot worse, so I am glad they weren't. I'm really tensed up now though, it was startling and jarring to the nerves. As well, I mentioned I am broken again. I don't know whether I hurt myself jumping back out of the way of the falling obstacles, or when I lifted that huge HEAVY bugger back up (even with the help of my mum), or from a combination of both, but I am injured. Right after we got the cabinet back up I ould feel I had strained my back a little. But I think my left side is out, because my left ankle and knee feel very poorly, as does my left wrist, and they are tingling like when your foot goes to sleep...which means there's a nerve pressing somewhere obviously. Why is it I always have to hurt myself on the weekend when there is no where open to fix me? They don't have emergency chiropractors unfortunately, nor emergency massage therapists, and I can tell I need to go to both. This day was going so well and now it's turned to crap. I hate being broken and it always happens on the weekend...

Valentine's Day.
It's like someone with a really perverse sense of humour said, hey, let's make a holiday that will make all the single people feel really alone and really depressed...what a great idea! Thanks a lot...

If you're part of a couple I think it can be really nice. I'm not all about the commercialization of Valentine's day, but you can show your affection for your partner without forking out a load of cash.

However, for those of us not in a relationship, it can be pretty depressing. It might not be so much, if it was not so over the top advertised like everywhere; stores, school, tv....what have you.

But it's like, for me, everywhere I go, not only on Valentine's day but over the week before as well, there are constant reminders that I am going to be alone on this day of couples. The commercials about the chocolate, the Constant jewellry ads, just every where I look or go. It feels unfair to constantly shove these things in everyones faces, it's annoying. Like I said, I'm not downing on people celebrating being together, it's just this over advertised, over commercialized part of it that annoys and depresses me. If I was with someone on Valentines day I would happily celebrate it, but I don't see the need to commercialize it to the extent that it alienates and depresses most of the single population out there.

I think, no wait I KNOW, I'm going to be indulging in a lot of chocolate, a little self pity at least, and sappy, mushy movies that'll make me cry like a big baby tomorrow night.

I don't want to be depressed, and I try not to be, but I know I will be. So, I'll make sure I'm stocked up on chocolate and kleenex for tomorrow, and I'll get through it. *sigh* I'm such a girly girl sometimes.

You know what's sad about Reading Week? I'm actually going to be reading...I have a paper due on the first day back to school, amoung other things.
But, I'm sure I'll find at least a *little* time to have fun too though :P

My Alan Alda goals;

1. To watch all his movies/TV shows/productions
2. To see him act live
3. To meet him
4. To act with him

I am currently working on the first one, watching all Alan Alda movies/TV shows, and once I accomplish number 2, seeing him act live, I am pretty sure I can get number 3 done, meeting him, at the same time. Number 4, I can only hope...I think for that one I may have to wait a little while, but I can keep working on my acting career and hope one day to accomplish it.

Brunette brunette brunette brunette. Do you know I don't miss being a blonde? Only problem is that my headshots are blonde and now don't match my current state of head-colourness...hmmm...well, I hope people aren't too surprised if I send out blonde pics and then show up at the audition brunette! Not much I can do about it...so I will laugh about it instead. :P

A question I have been asking myself -
is it bad that I hope he gets hurt like he hurt me?

I think that's a horrible thing to wish on anyone. On the surface I tell myself I don't want that, but deep down I think I actually do. Then I think about it and how terrible being hurt like that is, and I don't want to wish that on anyone.

I really don't know sometimes, and sometimes...often...my head and heart tell me two different things. Life is so confusing.

The Canadian Flag is Red.
The Liberals are Red.
It's a Sad, Sad day when our flag turns blue.

I watched the election coverage all night, yelling at my TV, hoping.
But the Conservatives won. I am very sad. :(

I VOTED! I was so excited all day today that I was going to vote, anytime anyone mentioned the election I was like YAY I get to vote! So ok, I'm a nerd...whatcha gonna do about it? :P Now to watch the polls roll in tonight...*fingers crossed*

An example of how I have changed since I started university.

In first year when I was looking over the English courses I read the course description for Bible and Literature. I laughed my ass off, mocked it considerably, wondered why anyone would take it who was not religious, and said, yeah That's a course I'll never be taking...

This semester I am taking Bible and Literature II.

Never thought I'd see the day. But I needed a course, and the more I learned at University, particularily about the huge amount of biblical allusions, and the connections between a religious based society and literature, the more sense this course made to me.

From 1st year to 4th year...grown up a little more now...and not mocking the course.

I will however still mock the fact that I have to BUY a bible for school...there is only so much a person can change after all:P

After approximately a year and a half of being blonde, it feels good to be a brunette again.

Happy New Years Everyone!

Hugs and Kisses and have a Rockin' Good Time!

I remember sitting on your lap, laughing
Looking in your eyes
Playing the game
Thinking you wanted me
Talking in the shadows
Teasing words and playful touches
Watching and listening to you
Helping you rehearse that role
For someone else
I thought I could fill it
But you wouldn't even let me try
Walking up that path with you
I guess the moonlight mislead me
And my hopes caught on fire
Blazing high
Then burning to nothing
Instead of steadily lighting our way

The long walk to heartache
Uphill battle
Instead of helping me
You watch me struggle,
Almost fall
And you leave me behind
To travel back down the path
In the dark and alone
Heartbreak stalks me
It trips me and I fall
A hard bed and a dark, cold city
Stop to remind me
That I won't be allowed to forget

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Sleep my way to the top. Get your resolution here

It'd be interesting to see how I'd manage to do this one....

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Get the chick next door pregnant. Get your resolution here

I cannot believe I got ID'd buying a Christmas lottery ticket last night...apparently I don't even look 18 anymore? I haven't been ID'd for the lotto since the day I turned 18...crazyness. This is also the latest I've ever finished up my Christmas shopping, it's been such a crazy busy year I just finished up yesterday! But now I have all the presents, and most of them are actually wrapped. I visited Jenn and her family on Thursday night, which I really enjoyed. Hadn't seen her in like forever it seems; and her kids are absolutely adorable. Cookies are baked, goodies are ready to be eaten, I can hear Christmas music drifting in from the kitchen, and Flintstones christmas show is playing on TV...presents piled up, my Nanas here, and more family is coming over tomorrow, so we're on our way to Christmas! I'm very excited, and happy that the holidays are finally here, and I get to relax and enjoy Christmas. I hope everyone has an fun, loving holiday with family and friends, full of good food and good fun, and I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

You ever have that feeling like you were over someone, then you find out that they're with someone else, and it really hurts? Kind of like a punch in the chest, a drop in the pit of your stomach, or your eyes filling up...but while you're hurt, you feel angry at the same time? Yeah, that feeling really sucks...and that's just how I feel right now.

Sometimes I just look around and realize how good I really have it.
Sometimes it's a moment in a tv show, or a commercial, a line from a song on the radio, or an ad,
that strikes a chord somewhere within me, and my eyes fill up, and it just makes me stop and think about the suffering that goes on in the world. Sometimes it's a specific thought, if I heard an Ad or commercial for something, sometimes it's more general, like after watching a documentary a while ago. Either way, it makes me stop and think and appreciate what I have. Sometimes in the midst of bitching about exams, or school stress, or relationship conflicts, I just have one of those moments, and it reminds me of what a really good life I do have. And how lucky I am to have it. And it just makes some things, not seem less imporatnt, but puts them in perspective. I've been having a number of those moments lately, maybe because it's getting closer to christmas and there is a lot more advertising for people in need. Whatever the reason, sometimes it's good to just take a moment, take a breathe, and realize in spite of the trials of life, it's Good.

hehehehehehehehe. I like it...



from http://sexy.namedecoder.com/

Applications are in. It's like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Literally. When I mailed the last one off on Tuesday I could literally feel my stress level decrease...at least a little. Now I have done all that I can do in this process, and have to play the waiting game. At least, all I can do until I get called for interviews...hopefully. Handed in another essay today, which m,eans I only have one more to write then I'm done, except for exams. My first exam is SATURDAy the 9th at 9 freaking AM. No likely. I don't do so well with the early exams. So that's Saturday, then exams on Monday, Wednesday, and the last one on the 22nd. So although I am still stressed, I am very happy that all my teachers college applications are done, and in, and I've done all I can for now. Today, er, rather yesterday at this late hour, was the deadline for the applications to be in. *sigh of relief*
On a different note; elections have been called again, YAY! I am very excited that I get to vote again, I am even considering doing some campaign volunteer work this time around. I think that would be so cool. I love being involved with my country and I love being able to vote. *does a little happy dance* If anyone wants to discuss the election campains and canidates and whatnot I am very happy to do so, but a request/suggestion; Please keep it CIVIL. Be positive, and don't get personal. I get really offended when people attack me for the political views I have or support, and I'm going to be a lot more stringent in not putting up with it this time around. You don't have to like or agree with what I believe, and I love a good arguement, but keep it to the arguement, don't get personal or judgemental. That's how I feel anyways, I think that's about it for now.

I am so stressed out. Finishing up teachers college applications which have to be mailed. A gazillion essays. Worries about where I'll be and what I'll be doing next year...I really want this. I am so majorly stressed out lately, but by this time next week the applications will have been mailed and be there, so then it becomes the waiting game, and at least I will have done all that I can for the moment. Please Please Please let me IN *prays to the teachers college gods*.

Lest we forget.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

- John McCrae


The price of freedom is high, and although I am not a pro war person, I honour the memory of the men and women who fought for us so long ago.

They bought our freedom with their lives.

Never forget.

Oh and by the way, I forgot...

Happy Halloween Everyone!

I am so incredibly stressed. I will be so glad when this semester is over, and all my teachers college applications are done and handed in. Blech...

I can fool everyone but myself.

Who knew?

mmmmm gummies...

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Dawn CatYour Superpower is WillpowerYour Weakness is Tummy RubsYour Weapon is Your Mind NunchucksYour Mode of Transportation is Cloud

What's" your Superhero Name?

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-) You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person. Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Interesting that one...

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words.You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel.People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation.When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 66% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Man, remember the days when I used to be able to eat real food? I sure do. Those were good times...I miss that.

update - the tv is constantly playing commercials of yummy looking food that i cannot yet eat. It's cruel! stupid products and their desire to sell them for profits...*shakes fist*

How can it possibly be October?

Getting braces sucks. Getting braces sucks HARDCORE.
I'm back to liquids and very soft foods like mashed potatoes again.
I tried eating some very, very soft pizza yesterday because I thought I might be able to manage it.
I couldn't, I got through less than half of it. It hurt to much when I chewed because of the temporary spacers between my molars.
I have no energy because I have hardly been eating anything, besides nutrition shakes (which aren't very filling let me tell you). And mashed potatoes, or soup,or today I thought of squash. You get the idea. It's sad how happy I was to eat potatoes, squash, and ice cream today.
And I feel like crap.
Just when I was getting back to somewhere near normal again. I had recovered from the surgery enough I was eating many regular foods again. True, I had to have all of my food cut up in managable, small bite sized pieces (because I am missing three of the front teeth I usually bite with), but I was back to pretty regular food again. You know, chicken, carrots, pizza, fruit ect.
Now I'm back to where I started.
This whole experience is terrible. I know I will be very glad when I am done, and have beautiful straight teeth. But the whole getting there is horrible.
It hurt like a bitch getting them on. That was mostly the temporary spacers she shoved between my back teeth, to make room for the anchors for the wire that goes on next week.
But the brackets are no fun either. My mouth is getting rubbed raw. I have wax to put on them if they are rubbing certain spots, but I can't cover every single bracket with wax.
During the time I was recovering from the oral surgery my tongue was constantly going numb on and off. I thought that had finally stopped.
Then I went to the orthodontist and she pushed and poked and shoved and jammed everything around.
Now that recurring numbness has come back, seems the placement of the braces have reaggravated everything again.
I just keep telling myself it's all for my acting. When I feel like trying to pry these silly things off, I remind myself why I am doing it. Why I need to do it.
But it's been a really terrible week. I have missed too much school because I've been so weak and grotty feeling.
I don't mean to scare anyone who has yet to get braces. Granted I do have very sensitive teeth, and it depends on the person, everyone reacts differently. But it's been a very bad experience for me.
But I'm so tired of it all already, and this is only the beginning. This is going to be a very long, 2 years or more process. That really depresses me. Everyone keeps saying it will get better, it's hard to believe when I feel like this, but I really hope so.
The wire goes on Monday, apparently my teeth needed a week to move a little for the rest of the stuff they need to put on, or move, or whatever.
It's been a really trying month. A really painful month. I'll get it through it. I know I will. But it will certainly be a trial.

So I finally tried posting earlier today, and the blasted blogger site was down. However it is back up now so it's ok :) Just a quick update here I think. The wednesday before school started I had surgery. dental surgery. I had to have three teeth removed in preperation for my braces. It sucked hardcore. i was knocked out while it was done, but of course felt like garbage and completly out of it when I woke up. Came home and stumbled into bed, where I stayed most of the time for the next four or five days, eating very little, and liquids when I did. I also of course had side effects which they like say may happen, but hardly ever do...for example, half of my tongue was numb on and off for about a week and a half. That SUCKED hardcore. That surgery really knocked it out of me, I am still recouperating from it, and my gums still healing. Besides the anastetic and drugs they gave me, and all the pain killers I had to take afterwards, I wasn't eating very much so I was really weak, and my endurance is still pretty low. So I had a pretty tough time getting through the first week of school, feeling the way I did. I'm not all the way recouperated but I'm getting there. I am enjoying all my classes so far, and like all my prof's. I'm particularily glad to be taking Canadian History. I saw my prof today and even got permission to write my essay on the effects of the rebellion of 1837, which is what the Spirit Walk is about. Which brings me to the next thing; Spirit Walk. Dress Rehearsal was last night, and after we got our 3 unlucky happenings out of the way it went well. I even saw a shooting star and told Katrina it was a sign for good luck. Apparently I was right. Opening night is Tomorrow, and the show runs Thursday, Friday, Saturday this year. I am excited, but nervous, to be Stage Managing this production with such a HUGE cast and stage. If anyone is interested in getting tickets let me know. School is really busy already, but I am looking forward to just immersing myself in good theatre and good people this week end. Oh yeah, and teachers college applications are FINALLY out and I've started the long process filling them out already. I'm stressed about that already, but also very excited and nervous. I really hope I get in. I think that's about it for now, this turned into a longer post than I anticipated. Hopefully I'll update again sooner than last time :P

oh P.S. I'm gettin the braces on Monday!

The following is from my cousin Mary-Beth's live journal, and it was so beautiful I just thought I'd post it here and share it with you all. It certainly made my eyes tear up, and I am so happy for her, that she so early found the person she wanted to be with for the rest of her life, that she and her hubbie are happily married now, that they found each other. I just thought it really captured what love is, what love can be, what I hope I can someday find.

"Thanks glandril Thanks for everything baby:Thanks for letting me go to your house all day, thanks for feeding me, thanks for loving me, thanks for understanding what I'm going through, thanks for helping me through all of this, thanks for knowing what to say to make me smile, thanks for knowing what to do to make me feel happy, thanks for knowing what to do to make me feel good *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* thanks for letting me cry in your arms, thanks for letting me be me, thanks for talking sense into me in my stupid moments, thanks for loving me, thanks for letting me into your heart, thanks for always being there for me, thanks for letting me call you late at night (or in the middle of the workday for you, I guess), thanks for being my light, thanks for being my angel, thanks for being my godsend, thanks for being you, thanks for loving me, thanks for wanting to share your life with me, thanks for putting up with all of my problems, thanks for always being there, thanks for never leaving me, thanks for everything. (I'm sure I missed something there, but my eyes are too filled with tears thinking about how lucky I am, and how much I love you)Je t'aime, mon ange, mon coeur, mon esprit, mon amour, je t'aime toujours."

from http://www.livejournal.com/users/skippyalto/125697.html

I feel like I have kind of drifted apart from some people this summer. It's not that I didn't want to see everyone, but everyone seems to be so busy, I'm busy, it seems so hard to stay in touch with some people sometimes. Some of them it's a matter of distance, some it's just our free time never seems to overlap. Some, I just don't know why. And I miss the friends I haven't seen this summer. I am sure that I could have made more of an effort, but at the same time, so could they have. I guess as we all start to move on, into different directions in our lives, some people will drift away

I forgot to mention that I am finally getting my braces on in September! This is good news. However before that happens I have to have extractions done. I am going to the oral surgen and getting put right out for that since they have to remove THREE freaking teeth. This is to be done September 7th, only the week before school starts. Need I say I am scared witless? :S

oh and P.S. I will probly not be smiling much at anyone until the said braces are on and you can't see where the missing teeth should be :P

So rehearsals have started once again for Spirit Walk. 3 nights a week, and though it's a fair time commitment I really am loving it. Oh it's not all fun. there is stress and challenges, but I have come to the conclusion that it really is good for me. I am having to do things which, while I know I am capable of, I am not necessarily very comfortable with. Having to be in control of situations and people who, as often as not are twice my age, and that can be a little intimidating. However, after last year it is easier, and it keeps getting easier. Having to call up the random missing rehearsal people and be like Why weren't you at rehearsal, running scenes with people who aren't necessarily the best listeners, directing in the absence of John or Catherine, these are some of the things involved with being stage manager which are a challenge for me, but in a good way. This role, and the support I have from the people behind the production like my director john, assitant director catherine, and producer katrina, are really helping me become more confident in myself and my abilities. It's helping me learn better how to make people listen to me. Yes I can do it when I need to but I don't often want to do it unless I have to. So being in a situation where I have to take charge; where I need to be vocal and assertive in order to help make a successful production, in order to do my job right, really provides me with a good oppourtunity to polish up these skills which I will need not only if I'm going to be a successful teacher and actor, but successful in anything. There are a lot of wonderful people in this show, but quite frankly there are people who I get the feeling don't take me seriously. Whether it's because I'm only 22, or not the most imposing person physically, or they don't think I have the personality for the job or what, I don't know. But those people are the ones that make it most difficult to try and take control of the rehearsal from, it's not there job but they like to be in charge or centre of attention. With each rehearsal where I push myself to meet the challanges like that, it gets a little easier. I really feel that this production is helping me to grow as a person, and although I don't always enjoy the challanges presented by it, I am very glad to be involved with it. And the faith, support, and encouragement of John, Katrina, and Catherine is greatly appreciated.

The play I was supposed to be next week got cancelled, due to unfinished construction on the site. Everything was supposed to be finished in time for the August production. Boo to that. I am sad :(

Some people have no idea about me.
And that's all I really have to say on the subject.

Oh yes, and I am completly addicted to The Sims Online.
It's like computer crack...

My cousin Mary-Beth is getting married this Saturday. I am very happy for her, and excited, both for her and because this will be the first wedding I have ever gone to. :) Hoo-ray! *thinks happy thoughts*

On a different note, we did our performance of Wolf's Tale on Canada Day. I think it went well, even though it was very hot. Many people stared at us in our costumes as we walked through the park to our stage, that was funny. Afterwards we had the cast party back a Mala's house. It was muchly fun. Put it in this context... we were back at her house by 3:30 (part of that delay due to car trouble) and I didn't leave until after 9 pm. It was good times. Just hanging out, eating tasty food, talking up a storm. Just chillin. Then I came home and saw my family, slathered cream on my sunburn, ate more food and spent time with them :) I am looking forward to having a girls night with Mala and Heather where we get to talk and pull apart everything that happened that day and recently lol. Oh the things that go on...anyways it was a very good holiday and I managed to get sunburned through my shirt. Alas the perils of fair skin. Overall it was a highly satisfactory Canada Day. Good friends, good family, and good food. :)

Desiree is home and I get to see her tomorrow. Hoo-ray! I am very excited. Also, I only have 2 more classes, and my exam, and then summer school is over! It's been an experience, I'll say that much. Trying to make all the courses I want to take this year at school fit together, and am having a very frustrating time...I am very, very, very frustrated. Other than that, rehearsals have been going well for Wolf's Tale, and I have the first meeting for Settlers this Saturday, which I am muchly looking forward to. I am glad to be going back to the world of duffins creek and becoming Lavinia once again. She's one of my favourite characters ever :)

It is so HoT outside, and I am so Busy. And all the things that are making me busy require me to go outside into the hotness. I have class downtown, plus I'm volunteering at two schools - including plotting drama lesson plans for my childrens - plus I have rehearsals for the show I'm acting in, PLUS I have Spirit Walk meetings, amoung other things... plus, plus, plus! LoL It is a busy time, but I don't mind that. I like having lots to do. It's just having to be outside so much that bothers me. I mean, I like warm, but I don't really deal well with Extremely HoT...never mind the sunburn...and it's been a bitch on my allergies too. This has been a really bad month for them, stupid allergies!!!!! *shakes fist* Here's an example of my scheduele; Tues - Class Wed - Volunteer Thurs - Class, then going to see my brother play in the band at his school Fri - volunteer teaching my 5's and 6's drama Sat - S.W. Meeting Sun - rehearsal. The problem being that it's all stuff either outside in the HOT, or somewhere with no air conditioning, or outside with the allergens. It really is the hot that don't react to well though...it was so freaking hot today while I was teaching drama, but I love my drama kids, even if I have to be all melty on the 2nd floor to teach them! It was 39 today with the humidex, and it's sposed to be 40 tomorrow and 41 degrees on sunday. Joy oh joy...summer is here. How about we have one day of winter, I could go for that, tomorrow maybe? I don't know who ordered this weather but they can take it back. I love the summer, I'll just be happy when it cools down a bit.

Crazy downtown campus...I miss my little scarborough school.

Well it's been a while since I've posted. I've wanted to, but I've been busy and usually when I think of it is at night when I'm too tired. So what have I been up to lately...well I've started my summer school course downtown - children's lit - which is really interesting but involves a lot more travel. That's kind of a pain. But it is interesting too because I am able to do a lot of people watching. My friend Jenn recently had her beautiful baby boy named Jack. I went to visit her and her new baby in the hospital and I got to hold him, a tiny, little barely two day old baby. He was so tiny and cute and just freaking adorable...what can I say, I'm a sucker for babies. I was very glad to see Jenn too and that she came out of her surgery alright. Although we talk online I hadn't actually seen her for a while, so it was very good to have a nice chat. Hopefully this summer, now that she will be feeling better, we will be able to visit much more! I miss seeing her. I am also in a play called A Wolf's Tale, which my friend Mala is directing, and a fine job she is doing too...so far...jokes! It's a lot of fun so far because mala and heather are involved...and for once I am not typecast, I am the bad one! WooT! Thanks go out to Mala for seeing that I can play other roles that the ones I tend to get type cast in. I also went to Ron's memorial at the village last week-end, it was really nice. We met up and walked to the chapel where they played a song, and then we all shared memories we had of ron. Then they dedicated the bench that had been made in his memory, and we lit candles while they played the second song. It really was beautiful and moving. Afterwards we went out for a drink in his memory, and I had a good time with my Backwoods peeps...I really feel like I fit in so well there, such a sense of acceptance is what it really boils down to. On that note, I have a production meeting for Spirit Walk this coming week, which I am stage managing this year. I am very happy and excited to be doing so. I just have to say that John, Katrina, and Julie have to be some of my favourite people there, they are so supportive and ecouraging to me and I love them for it, they're so awesome. Desiree is coming home soon for a visit, June 17th, my dad's b-day as a matter of fact, and I can hardly wait. I really miss having her around....especially to bite ;) lll ypu georgists forever. And this year I plan on taking loads of pics of her and me, cuz I don't really have any recent ones. As of yet I have no summer job lined up, which is unfortunate, but I'm still looking. Unfortunately/fortunately I won't be going back to schoolhouse playcare to work in daycare, not after the way they screwed me over last year. So hopefully something will come up soon. In the meantime I have started doing some of my volunteer hours which I need for teachers college. I'm teaching drama to grade fives and sixes, and they are very cute, but rowdy. As well I am volunteering in some other classrooms for more general experience. Also last week-end I went to Leya's party, which was muchly fun, especially since I got to catch up with friends I haven't seen for a while. And I met a cute guy ;) who asked for my email...enough said about that. I also have found out some interesting information about every dog has it's day, the other play I'm going to be acting in this summer...I'm looking forward muchly to that, and julie filled me in on some of the interesting details about the upcoming script! :) Well, that has been more than a mouthfull, but I think I've covered all the major happenings that have been going on in my life lately. If I've missed anything hopefully I'll remember it next time:P

A number of recent events have made me realize how truly insignificant you are in the course of my life. I can't believe I didn't see it before, but you're just not worth it. I have too many other things that are vitally important to me, that are so significant to my life, to be wasting my time on someone who doesn't realize, doesn't even come close to knowing, my true value as person, as everything I am and can be. You did hurt me, a lot. In fact, you probally have no idea of the depth of suffering you caused me. You made me cry, a lot. But worse, you made me doubt myself. However, I don't hate you, because you also made me dream; and dreaming is so much a part of my life that I can't hate someone who provided so much of that to me, however unknowingly. I don't hate you, but it's time to move on and I'm leaving you as far behind as I can. Certain events that have been happening lately in my life, have brought me to the conclusion that it's not worth wasting my time on you; you're really trivial in the overall pattern that my life is taking. There are far more important, relevant, life-altering things going on right now that I have to deal with than wasting my time and energy on trying to make you want me. So I'm saying good-bye, and while I realize that it won't be easy, I'm leaving you behind as I start this next chapter of my life.

Years ago my cousin Paul died in a car accident when he was 16. He was alone in the car, and driving at night. It's one of those things you don't really get over, you move on, but that will stay with you, I think because he was so young and had hardly had a chance at life.

The other night I was watching like a documentary type show on kids and driving. It not only had a bit on how car and booster seats save lives, but also on graduated licensing. It went over the problems and statistics of young drivers, and the elevated risks involved in different situations. It was an american program and showed how one state that had developed a completely graduated licensing program had made a difference in the lives and safety of teens. The state had rules similar to canadian graduated licensing like not being allowed to drive by yourself for a certain amount of time, or at night, and having to log a certain amount of hours driving with a parent or guardian at different times, like day and night, and highway and ect. And the statistics after the system had been put in place changed drasticly. There was a 25% reduction in the rate of young drivers accidents. It really seemed so simple, the procedures they put in place but that saves countless numbers of lives. By now, many other states have also gone to graduated licesing systems, but many were only partial systems, and thus were not very effective.

I was always kind of lukewam, in the middle about how I felt about the graduated licensing system. I thought it was probally a good idea, you know, but that it was a pain that it didn't happen a little later, for it was only instated in canada a few years before I was eligable to get my license. And I thought, uh, couldn't they have waited a few years more until I got my license and then it wouldn't have taken me this long.

And then I watched that documentary. And I realized that if there had been a graduated licensing system in place in Tenessee when my cousin Paul first got his license, he never would have been driving by himself at 16, an inexperienced driver facing bad weather at night by himself. And that maybe he wouldn't have died that night.

And when I realized that, my lukewarm view on the graduated licensing system swung completly and absolutely to one side. Whereas before I thought why couldn't they have waited a little longer, now I think why couldn't they have done it a little sooner. It might have saved my cousins life. And although it didn't save him, I think about the other people it can now save. I thought about my brother, and my other cousins, and how glad I am graduated driving is now the law in Canada, because I couldn't stand it if I lost anyone else that way.

It didn't save Paul, and god how much I miss him...but it will save other people.

Now I fully support the graduated licensing system, in Canada, in the United States, wherever. For him. Because it might save someones elses cousin, or brother, or son. Someone else in my family, or even me.

In memory of Paul Jolicouer. I love you, I miss you, always and forever in my heart.

I'm getting my hair dyed today! Woot! But then I have to be at the museum for a meeting at 10 AM on Saturday morning. Not so woot. However, I have been looking into the requirements that I need to get into teachers college and get my B.E., and the curriculum of what and how I will be studying when I get in (hopefully!). It is all very exciting. Meh, so call me a nerd, but I am very excited about the whole thing and getting started on my volunteer hours once exams are over. *does a little dance*

Jonathan Rucinski, a very kind man who I knew from Backwoods Players, passed away this morning. He finally lost the battle with cancer. Everyone knew he was sick, at the meeting Wednesday they said he was ill but happy to have visitors. He died on Good Friday, which I think is tragic but kind of symbolic too. Situations like this scare me, and make me feel helpless in a way. My Baba died from cancer when I was little, and the fact that a disease like cancer can strike down someone like Jonathan in the prime of his life is scary and so sad. It makes me want to do something, but I don't know what. I just don't feel like I can sit back and watch things like this continue to happen without even making an effort to help. I don't really know what I can do, but I want to do something. I'm tired of losing people, and sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop it. But there are other times that you can actively make an effort to forward the prevention, treatment, and cure of diseases. Because among other people, I lost both my grandfathers and great-uncle to diseases, and if there's something that I could do to possibly help prevent the loss of someone I care about in the future, it just makes sense to try and do it. My thoughts are with Jonathans family; but I'll always remember his friendliness and all his good qualities, particularily in his role as Mr.Blandings in The Settlers At Sunset series. Rest In Peace Jonathan, you'll always be remembered.

4:48 Flesh is over. We had an awesome run. March 9th to 12th (wednesday to saturday). It's been an insanely long week, but a good show, and a lot of fun. Went out every night after the show with some of the cast, which was good times most of the time...except for when I had to watch certain people who I wished weren't there. Stayed up til all hours of the night/early morning at the cast party after the show saturday. Has a lot of fun, worked some things out, all in all an interesting night.

My Grampa died when I was only thirteen. And I still miss him as much as I did then. It seems so unfair that he was taken from us so soon. Because I miss him so much, and I wish he could be here to see all the things I'm doing with my life. I wish he could have been here to see the great grand children he would have eventually had. He was the only Grampa I had left, my Baba died when I was only three, and I think that's part of the reason it was so hard for me to let go. But I know that the love he had for me will last throughout the rest of my life. And working on 4:48 has been a very emotional experience for me, it brings back to the surface all these vibrant memories, some good, some bad, some heartbreaking. We went over the loss section in our show today, it was so emotionally wrenching, it makes me think about all the people I've lost in my life. And I came home, and I was just feeling really sad you know, and I sat down on my bed and I started just pouring all these thoughts racing around in my head out onto the page. And I just cried so hard. I wrote about my Grampa and how much I missed him and how hard it is...and about the people I've lost who are still so much a part of me in who I am. I guess the whole rehearsal today just got me really down, because I haven't cried that hard in a while, obviously I needed to let it out. This whole show is so emotionally draining sometimes. I miss all the people I've lost...some to old age, or cancer, disases or car crashes...they're gone, but they live in my head and my heart, in my memories, their influence on my life lives in my actions.

I miss you Grampa, and I love you.

Some people aren't the friends I thought they were.

And some others are a lot nicer my so called friends.

If that makes any sense.

And that makes me feel angry, and a little sad, and kind of betrayed.

"I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
my weakness is, I feel too much"

sometimes all it takes is a smile

that certain smile that makes me melt

"one day you'll say I was the one"

but by then it may be too late

I fucking hurt. For about a week each month it hurts to be a girl (and by hurts I mean I mean physically painful). And I think it is so unfair. It's like, my body is mad at me, but I know it's not...I know it's just doing what it has to do...but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm livin' in PMS city right about now, so you've all been warned. I am not responsible if anyone pisses me off for the next couple days...emotional spikes...pain...feeling like nothing I own fits right....oh, the joys of "womanhood".

I just want your arms around me

I've wasted too many tears on you already

We have to dream in order to survive, but how can I live if all I dream of is You.

I wish I meant as much to you as you mean to me.

Won't you rescue me from this dream world.

I am NOT ready to go back to school, and Tuesday is fast approaching...

It's Christmas Eve! I am very happy and excited cuz I love Christmas, I just think it's one of the best holdidays. It's all about family time, wrapping presents, decorating, baking and eating good things, and just have fun, warm time at home with the family. I especially love watching all the good old movies that are on. I did a fair amount of baking this year and we have lots of yummy things to munch on this week-end. It is very cold, icy and snowy out, which is making for not so good driving, but I am very glad that it snowed, and that there will be more snow, because I'm a HUGE fan of snow at christmas. It just doesn't feel the same without it. All my shoppings done, decorations up, just a few presents left to wrap, so I'm good to go for rockin' christmas eve! Somehow, it seemed to sneak up on me this year, I think mostly because my last exam wasn't until this past Tuesday, the 21st, so it feels like school just ended and there should be more time before christmas. Either way I'm glad it's here, and after that am looking forward to good New Years Eve times with good friends. Parties are fun! So I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and if I don't see you New Years have a rockin time then too!

Between grade 9 and OAC was a lifetime. And somewhere Between OAC and 3rd year university, I grew up.

That doesn't mean I consider myself an adult, I don't really, because I don't feel like one. I'm just me, 21, and I don't know exactly what that makes me. I do know that I can't even begin to describe all the changes that I went through that made me who I am today. By OAC I had changed so much and although part of me was still who I was in grade 9, I had grown so much that in a way I was a completly different person. And I was lying in bed last night when it dawned on me. Although I went through a lot of changes in high school, and it was a lifetime in itself, somewhere along the way in the past couple years I think I grew up.

Feeling a Little Bitter and Misunderstood

Some people have allergies. Therefore they THINK they know allergies. They have an attitude that, quite frankly, just gets right under my skin and irritates the hell out of me. So you think you know what allergies are, you think you have the right to complain about them eh? Oh, so you're allergic to dust huh? oh...cats make you sneeze? Well, when your skin has been so dry and irritated that putting cream on it, putting anything on it to try and moisterize it, even just plain old fridge oil, has hurt so much that it has made you cry...when you have had to take an oatmeal bath in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of the night to calm your skin...when you have been up all night unable to lie down to sleep because your nose is so stuffy you can't breathe...when you have had to go to parties late and leave them early because you react to the household pets and end up feeling miserable...when you have gotten an allergic reaction on your feet from running around barefoot in the grass...when you have been miserable at school all day from a runny nose, sneezing, itchy eyes, feeling like you can't breathe, because some inconsiderate person doused themselves with half a bottle of perfume that morning...when you have had to take so much benedryll over an extended period of time that it gives you heartburn...when you have learned that you have to carry allergy medication with you pretty much everywhere that you go...and when you have missed out on activities, fun things, because they were going to be all day outdoor events, and you knew you couldn't take it with all the pollen, and grass, and trees, and ragweed and everything....then you have the right to say you know what allergies are, and then you can fucking complain about your allergies to me. But not before then, because this list only begins to describe the kind of things I grew up with, and many of the things I still have to live with to this day. So I'm sorry if I don't seem properly sympathetic to your being allergic to, perhaps cats, or dogs, or your one allergy. And if I get a little snippy about your high handed attitude about how you don't take allergy medication, how you get along without it, how you have the strength of will to get along without it, or I seem a little offended when someone who doesn't have allergies judges me, maybe now you'll understand why.

I read this on the group hug/anonymous online confessions website http://grouphug.us/
I really related to it. It really moved me, maybe because I feel like it describes just what I've been feeling, but haven't really been able to put into words yet.


"I want you to know that you mean the world to me,but you yourself are not my world. That I can still make it without you, that I dont need you to survive. But it'll be nice to have something extra to look forward to if you were around. I want you to know that I'm a strong alpha woman who has dreams and aspirations of her own. But why is it everytime I look at you and see you as yourself, not perfect but perfectly imperfect, I lose myself and I drown myself in the thought of you and me as one?"

I thought you'd walk beside me;
instead I walk alone,
along this empty street,
full of broken dreams,
oppressive in its silence,
starving in its clutter,
the weight drags me down.
sounds of sorrow
echoing off invisable walls
block me in
slow my footsteps
seductively invite me to stay,
then brusquely watch me break
and tear me apart

I hate how you make me feel
and that makes me want to hate you
but I can't
not yet anyways
maybe one day you'll do something that
will push me over the edge
and I won't care anymore ~
one day.
because I hate what you do to me
how you've filled my mind
and I thought,
my heart
but now you're so cold
your indifference burns me like ice
and yet I can't free myself of you.
You used to fill my thoughts,
and now I can forget about you
for a while
but then the piercing pain fills my soul again
does this mean I'm getting over you
or is it just that I've become so used to
your presence inside my head I don't
even realize you're there,
and I dream of you
the taste of your lips
the heat of your body
the beating of my heart
as I hold you close,
I long for
the sweet passion in your eyes
when you look at me
of endless hours in your arms
the balm of your embrace
filling me, making me whole
erasing the pain of the past
I dream of you
and yet
I wish I could forget you
I wish you would leave my mind
Leave my tomented soul
LEAVE!
but please don't forget me

So my cousins Aimee and Dawn were up visiting for the week-end from the states. They arrived Thursday night....which is why I wasn't at the coffee house, as I already had to explain to a few people:P And they go back early tomorrow. That makes me sad, but I is very happy that they came up to see us. Exams start this week. I have one on the 10th, 11th, and then not til the 21st. I am MOST unhappy about how late my last exam is. It's on the very last day of exams, in the very last time slot. I should be all christmasy, not worrying about exams. Oh well, no one ever said Life was fair. Because my cousins were up we had a big family dinner tonight (mmm chinese food!), including my aunt and her boyfriend and my cousin Sean, who I also haven't seen for a while. So all in all, it was a very good family day. Took a lot of pictures, ate a lot of food, massaged a lot of backs lol, did a lot of talking, and had lots of hugs and kisses and love!

Sometimes Life is so beautiful, so absolutly exquisive, that it hurts.

You made me cry
You made me die a little inside
but you also made me Live

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. And that's a fucking depressing thought. I can rationalize all I want and tell myself that's not true, so while I can logically think one thing, I can't control what I emotionally feel. And that sucks. Because it seems like no matter what I do, everytime I try and reach out to someone, it doesn't work, it doesn't happen. I just end up crushed and heartsore. Emotionally crippled and unstable, and having to heal again and again. And every time it happens, I just fall harder and feel deeper. So it hurts more each time I'm rejected. Rejection is something I have a hard time dealing with anyway, I take it too personally. But in these cases, how can I not take it personally? It's so hard to meet someone...I've tried through theatre, I've tried through school. Neither seems to have worked out...so where do I look? I'm trying not to look, trying to just live my life, but it's hard. Because sometimes I am just so lonely. You can be surronded by friends and family and be totally loved, but still be lonely. Because it's a longing for a different kind of relationship than those people can provide, and it's even harder when you see people all around who have that. I want that, but sometimes I feel like I'm never going to find it. And I mean I'm not in this mood all the time...but sometimes it just hits me really hard, like now, and I feel so depressed. And I don't know what to do about it, sometimes I cry, rant, but I always dream. There isn't much else I can do, other than go on with my life. And hope, and dream, and have the belief that I know it will get better. And the thing is, I know most people don't even know I'm feeling this way because I'm pretty happy and easy going at school. I don't show it to most people there. And I just have this depth of feeling that is so intense, but at the same time makes me feel so vulnerable, that it's not something I go around talking about to just anybody, because talking about it makes me feel exposed. SO I just keep hoping, and dreaming, and living.

Yes I know I haven't posted in a long time. I tried to the other day, and for some random reason the silly thing wouldn't let me. I has been busy. Parkwood is over, which was a crazy long week end, what with being sick, acting at Parkwood, and then doing front of house for AOST. That was Exhausting! I wrote a bitch of a test today. Theatre History. It was pretty brutal, but strangly enough I think I did better on it than the last one. Odd. I only had 2 hours sleep last night though, for some reason I just couldn't get to sleep. So I was very tired today. Did my second scene last Friday for Film and TV with Kristen. We were both sick...lol...but in spite of that, and the fact that before we even started I knocked over the glass of water in our scene...which Mark was very nice enough to clean up for me :) ...I think it went pretty well. I just finished looking through some picture albums to find the pic I want to take for Drama class tomorrow. I came across some pictures that I need to burn....but also some freaking adorable ones. Honestly, I really was the happiest kid! And I did have the most adorable little brother. And I found the pictures from our performance of Normality at the Hart House, way back from first year :P And Gen really did make like the best couch ever for it! Anyways I think I'm going to go to bed now, and I'll try to update more soon, I'm just too exhausted to write anymore tonight.

Comments, questions, ect. can be posted at my message board at http://www.b2g5.com/boards/board.cgi?&user=DramaQueenForever

Dashing Dame

You are the model of the classy dame: independent, self-assured, and down-to-earth all rolled into one. Though you appreciate the finer things in life, you do not demand them from yourself and everyone around you. You can make light of an uncomfortable situation or contextualize it by not having unrealistic expectations. Because you treat others with much respect, you expect to be treated that way too. You know you deserve the best, but are one step above the rest: no one needs to tell you that the clothes don't make the woman. Being showered with gifts and wearing designer clothes may make you look like a diva, but your actions towards others is the real "taste" test. Neither a dilettante nor a diva, you are a social success in a league of your own.



Super-Sexy Siren

If you have a latin motto, it's Carpe Diem — you're no stranger at seizing the day when you see something you want. In fact, you're so good at acting on an opportunity when you see one that you live virtually without regret. Your friends admire your confidence and ability to act to further your interests, and are in awe of your social skills. When you see a person you are attracted to, you are confident enough to engage them in conversation, and when you're in a relationship and feel that you want to make a move, you are uninhibited. Your strong point is not worrying whether the person you're attracted to will rebuff your advances; you are confident enough in your own skin to not let it shatter your ego. Shy people envy your sexual assertiveness, and rightly so: you have tapped into the secret of sexiness, and unabashedly use it to suit your purposes. Continue believing in yourself, and you will have happy and healthy experiences, respecting yourself and your sexiness all the while.


Are you a Pessimist or an Optimist?

Part Full and Part Empty
While you are sometimes too pessimistic or too optmistic about the future, you're generally a happy amalgam of both...a realist. You don't assign blame heedlessly, and are open minded about the motivations of your friend, colleagues, and loved ones.You don't lack self-confidence, and your relationships with others are not strained because you know how to suss out a situation without accusing someone of something they haven't done.Your realistic attitude prevents you from jumping to pessimistic conclusions. By the same token, you do not presume that things will always work out to your benefit. You live by the motto that we tend to regret the things we didn't do in life, rather than those we did try but failed at. By keeping your mind open to new ideas, you enjoy a positive outlook on life without falling prey to excess pessimism or optimism.

"Life however, was yet in my possesion; with all its requirements, and pains, and responsibilities. The burden must be carried; the want provided for; the suffering endured; the responsibility fulfilled."

That is what I have, what I feel.

"It brought to life and light my whole nature: in his presence I throughly lived; and he lived in mine." (Jane Eyre)

And That is what I am looking for.