I am NOT ready to go back to school, and Tuesday is fast approaching...

It's Christmas Eve! I am very happy and excited cuz I love Christmas, I just think it's one of the best holdidays. It's all about family time, wrapping presents, decorating, baking and eating good things, and just have fun, warm time at home with the family. I especially love watching all the good old movies that are on. I did a fair amount of baking this year and we have lots of yummy things to munch on this week-end. It is very cold, icy and snowy out, which is making for not so good driving, but I am very glad that it snowed, and that there will be more snow, because I'm a HUGE fan of snow at christmas. It just doesn't feel the same without it. All my shoppings done, decorations up, just a few presents left to wrap, so I'm good to go for rockin' christmas eve! Somehow, it seemed to sneak up on me this year, I think mostly because my last exam wasn't until this past Tuesday, the 21st, so it feels like school just ended and there should be more time before christmas. Either way I'm glad it's here, and after that am looking forward to good New Years Eve times with good friends. Parties are fun! So I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and if I don't see you New Years have a rockin time then too!

Between grade 9 and OAC was a lifetime. And somewhere Between OAC and 3rd year university, I grew up.

That doesn't mean I consider myself an adult, I don't really, because I don't feel like one. I'm just me, 21, and I don't know exactly what that makes me. I do know that I can't even begin to describe all the changes that I went through that made me who I am today. By OAC I had changed so much and although part of me was still who I was in grade 9, I had grown so much that in a way I was a completly different person. And I was lying in bed last night when it dawned on me. Although I went through a lot of changes in high school, and it was a lifetime in itself, somewhere along the way in the past couple years I think I grew up.

Feeling a Little Bitter and Misunderstood

Some people have allergies. Therefore they THINK they know allergies. They have an attitude that, quite frankly, just gets right under my skin and irritates the hell out of me. So you think you know what allergies are, you think you have the right to complain about them eh? Oh, so you're allergic to dust huh? oh...cats make you sneeze? Well, when your skin has been so dry and irritated that putting cream on it, putting anything on it to try and moisterize it, even just plain old fridge oil, has hurt so much that it has made you cry...when you have had to take an oatmeal bath in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of the night to calm your skin...when you have been up all night unable to lie down to sleep because your nose is so stuffy you can't breathe...when you have had to go to parties late and leave them early because you react to the household pets and end up feeling miserable...when you have gotten an allergic reaction on your feet from running around barefoot in the grass...when you have been miserable at school all day from a runny nose, sneezing, itchy eyes, feeling like you can't breathe, because some inconsiderate person doused themselves with half a bottle of perfume that morning...when you have had to take so much benedryll over an extended period of time that it gives you heartburn...when you have learned that you have to carry allergy medication with you pretty much everywhere that you go...and when you have missed out on activities, fun things, because they were going to be all day outdoor events, and you knew you couldn't take it with all the pollen, and grass, and trees, and ragweed and everything....then you have the right to say you know what allergies are, and then you can fucking complain about your allergies to me. But not before then, because this list only begins to describe the kind of things I grew up with, and many of the things I still have to live with to this day. So I'm sorry if I don't seem properly sympathetic to your being allergic to, perhaps cats, or dogs, or your one allergy. And if I get a little snippy about your high handed attitude about how you don't take allergy medication, how you get along without it, how you have the strength of will to get along without it, or I seem a little offended when someone who doesn't have allergies judges me, maybe now you'll understand why.

I read this on the group hug/anonymous online confessions website http://grouphug.us/
I really related to it. It really moved me, maybe because I feel like it describes just what I've been feeling, but haven't really been able to put into words yet.


"I want you to know that you mean the world to me,but you yourself are not my world. That I can still make it without you, that I dont need you to survive. But it'll be nice to have something extra to look forward to if you were around. I want you to know that I'm a strong alpha woman who has dreams and aspirations of her own. But why is it everytime I look at you and see you as yourself, not perfect but perfectly imperfect, I lose myself and I drown myself in the thought of you and me as one?"

I thought you'd walk beside me;
instead I walk alone,
along this empty street,
full of broken dreams,
oppressive in its silence,
starving in its clutter,
the weight drags me down.
sounds of sorrow
echoing off invisable walls
block me in
slow my footsteps
seductively invite me to stay,
then brusquely watch me break
and tear me apart

I hate how you make me feel
and that makes me want to hate you
but I can't
not yet anyways
maybe one day you'll do something that
will push me over the edge
and I won't care anymore ~
one day.
because I hate what you do to me
how you've filled my mind
and I thought,
my heart
but now you're so cold
your indifference burns me like ice
and yet I can't free myself of you.
You used to fill my thoughts,
and now I can forget about you
for a while
but then the piercing pain fills my soul again
does this mean I'm getting over you
or is it just that I've become so used to
your presence inside my head I don't
even realize you're there,
and I dream of you
the taste of your lips
the heat of your body
the beating of my heart
as I hold you close,
I long for
the sweet passion in your eyes
when you look at me
of endless hours in your arms
the balm of your embrace
filling me, making me whole
erasing the pain of the past
I dream of you
and yet
I wish I could forget you
I wish you would leave my mind
Leave my tomented soul
LEAVE!
but please don't forget me

So my cousins Aimee and Dawn were up visiting for the week-end from the states. They arrived Thursday night....which is why I wasn't at the coffee house, as I already had to explain to a few people:P And they go back early tomorrow. That makes me sad, but I is very happy that they came up to see us. Exams start this week. I have one on the 10th, 11th, and then not til the 21st. I am MOST unhappy about how late my last exam is. It's on the very last day of exams, in the very last time slot. I should be all christmasy, not worrying about exams. Oh well, no one ever said Life was fair. Because my cousins were up we had a big family dinner tonight (mmm chinese food!), including my aunt and her boyfriend and my cousin Sean, who I also haven't seen for a while. So all in all, it was a very good family day. Took a lot of pictures, ate a lot of food, massaged a lot of backs lol, did a lot of talking, and had lots of hugs and kisses and love!

Sometimes Life is so beautiful, so absolutly exquisive, that it hurts.

You made me cry
You made me die a little inside
but you also made me Live

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. And that's a fucking depressing thought. I can rationalize all I want and tell myself that's not true, so while I can logically think one thing, I can't control what I emotionally feel. And that sucks. Because it seems like no matter what I do, everytime I try and reach out to someone, it doesn't work, it doesn't happen. I just end up crushed and heartsore. Emotionally crippled and unstable, and having to heal again and again. And every time it happens, I just fall harder and feel deeper. So it hurts more each time I'm rejected. Rejection is something I have a hard time dealing with anyway, I take it too personally. But in these cases, how can I not take it personally? It's so hard to meet someone...I've tried through theatre, I've tried through school. Neither seems to have worked out...so where do I look? I'm trying not to look, trying to just live my life, but it's hard. Because sometimes I am just so lonely. You can be surronded by friends and family and be totally loved, but still be lonely. Because it's a longing for a different kind of relationship than those people can provide, and it's even harder when you see people all around who have that. I want that, but sometimes I feel like I'm never going to find it. And I mean I'm not in this mood all the time...but sometimes it just hits me really hard, like now, and I feel so depressed. And I don't know what to do about it, sometimes I cry, rant, but I always dream. There isn't much else I can do, other than go on with my life. And hope, and dream, and have the belief that I know it will get better. And the thing is, I know most people don't even know I'm feeling this way because I'm pretty happy and easy going at school. I don't show it to most people there. And I just have this depth of feeling that is so intense, but at the same time makes me feel so vulnerable, that it's not something I go around talking about to just anybody, because talking about it makes me feel exposed. SO I just keep hoping, and dreaming, and living.

Yes I know I haven't posted in a long time. I tried to the other day, and for some random reason the silly thing wouldn't let me. I has been busy. Parkwood is over, which was a crazy long week end, what with being sick, acting at Parkwood, and then doing front of house for AOST. That was Exhausting! I wrote a bitch of a test today. Theatre History. It was pretty brutal, but strangly enough I think I did better on it than the last one. Odd. I only had 2 hours sleep last night though, for some reason I just couldn't get to sleep. So I was very tired today. Did my second scene last Friday for Film and TV with Kristen. We were both sick...lol...but in spite of that, and the fact that before we even started I knocked over the glass of water in our scene...which Mark was very nice enough to clean up for me :) ...I think it went pretty well. I just finished looking through some picture albums to find the pic I want to take for Drama class tomorrow. I came across some pictures that I need to burn....but also some freaking adorable ones. Honestly, I really was the happiest kid! And I did have the most adorable little brother. And I found the pictures from our performance of Normality at the Hart House, way back from first year :P And Gen really did make like the best couch ever for it! Anyways I think I'm going to go to bed now, and I'll try to update more soon, I'm just too exhausted to write anymore tonight.

Comments, questions, ect. can be posted at my message board at http://www.b2g5.com/boards/board.cgi?&user=DramaQueenForever

Dashing Dame

You are the model of the classy dame: independent, self-assured, and down-to-earth all rolled into one. Though you appreciate the finer things in life, you do not demand them from yourself and everyone around you. You can make light of an uncomfortable situation or contextualize it by not having unrealistic expectations. Because you treat others with much respect, you expect to be treated that way too. You know you deserve the best, but are one step above the rest: no one needs to tell you that the clothes don't make the woman. Being showered with gifts and wearing designer clothes may make you look like a diva, but your actions towards others is the real "taste" test. Neither a dilettante nor a diva, you are a social success in a league of your own.



Super-Sexy Siren

If you have a latin motto, it's Carpe Diem — you're no stranger at seizing the day when you see something you want. In fact, you're so good at acting on an opportunity when you see one that you live virtually without regret. Your friends admire your confidence and ability to act to further your interests, and are in awe of your social skills. When you see a person you are attracted to, you are confident enough to engage them in conversation, and when you're in a relationship and feel that you want to make a move, you are uninhibited. Your strong point is not worrying whether the person you're attracted to will rebuff your advances; you are confident enough in your own skin to not let it shatter your ego. Shy people envy your sexual assertiveness, and rightly so: you have tapped into the secret of sexiness, and unabashedly use it to suit your purposes. Continue believing in yourself, and you will have happy and healthy experiences, respecting yourself and your sexiness all the while.


Are you a Pessimist or an Optimist?

Part Full and Part Empty
While you are sometimes too pessimistic or too optmistic about the future, you're generally a happy amalgam of both...a realist. You don't assign blame heedlessly, and are open minded about the motivations of your friend, colleagues, and loved ones.You don't lack self-confidence, and your relationships with others are not strained because you know how to suss out a situation without accusing someone of something they haven't done.Your realistic attitude prevents you from jumping to pessimistic conclusions. By the same token, you do not presume that things will always work out to your benefit. You live by the motto that we tend to regret the things we didn't do in life, rather than those we did try but failed at. By keeping your mind open to new ideas, you enjoy a positive outlook on life without falling prey to excess pessimism or optimism.

"Life however, was yet in my possesion; with all its requirements, and pains, and responsibilities. The burden must be carried; the want provided for; the suffering endured; the responsibility fulfilled."

That is what I have, what I feel.

"It brought to life and light my whole nature: in his presence I throughly lived; and he lived in mine." (Jane Eyre)

And That is what I am looking for.

It's been a long, stressful, emotional week-end. And while it may hurt at least now I'm living my life the way I want to. Taking risks, grabbing oppourtunities, no regrets. I guess this is growing up.

So confused and conflicted. How do you know if someone is right for you? or if it will work? And how much of an age difference is too much? My head is really busy, I've been feeling really distracted...and talking about it with a few friends, who I know would support me. But when it comes down to it, it's just something I'm going to have to work out with, and for, myself.

Just realized that I haven't updated in almost 2 weeks. I've been pretty darn busy, what with school starting and Spirit Walk and all. Both are going quite well. S.W. was totally exhasuting this week-end, but I had a blast. It was a lot of fun skulking :P First meeting for Parkwood tomorrow night, and then more Spirit Walk next week-end, both of which I'm greatly looking forward too. School is...interesting...lol...still trying to settle into it's routine and trying not to be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of reading I've discovered I'm going to be doing. Overall, busy and happy to be so. I guess that's about all for now.

Somehow...the test results are not surprising...lol

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Test

Confused and Lost.

You Are a Flawless Beauty! When it comes to beauty, you spare no expense - and it shows You're the kind of woman a man would launch a thousand ships for It's hard for anyone to beat you in the beauty department But remember, it's okay to show a flaw or too - you've got plenty to spare What Type of Beauty Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are a Super Flirt! You have almost every guy under your spell, and you totally work a room You can charm almost anyone you desire - including your friends men Sometimes your flirty ways arouse jealousy from others, but it's all in fun You secertly crave another super flirt who will put you to the test What Kind of Flirt Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle.
You know that love isn't like a greeting card…
Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings.

You are the best of both worlds
Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious.
Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You Romantic or Realistic? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

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You%20Are%20Sleeping%20Beauty

You' Beauty!
You don't need to even be awake to make a man fall for you.
You love a guy who will be your savior and sweep you off your feet.
You may seem innocent, but once you get comfortable with your man anything can happen.

I have a second job interview at Payless shoes on Wednesday. Also, I bought a suit today. Makes me feel kinda old when I think about it, but it's a really nice suit and it looks really nice on me. Plus, I got it on sale. Hoo-ray for that! School starts Thursday...where did the summer go? Anyone? Going into third year...weird...scary and exciting...seems like I just started university...but I'm definately looking forward to the drama parts. Regular drama class, acting for film & t.v., and the Parkwood production are all going to be absolutely awesome.

"It isn't fair for you to fill me with these dreams that can't come true". A line from a song that describes my sentiments exactly.

Job interview. Today. At Payless *crosses fingers* Here's hoping I have the luck of the Irish on my side todya! Ack!

Audition today. For Parkwood, it's going to be so much fun acting in the Parkwood thingy. Yay!

It's august...already...I wish people would stop talking about school already. I am not ready for summer to be over! I'm kind stressed, but having fun. Being assistent to the director means more responsibility for me, more rehearsals, and more time outside with my allergies acting up. I'm in the middle of trying to decide whether or not to audition for this other show in the fall, the shows in the fall, but auditons are actually in august...so coming up soon. Weighing the pros and cons and everything.

Sometimes my family drives me freaking nuts, seriously. I just wanna do what I wanna do and they are so limiting sometimes. Three nights of rehearsal a week may seem like a lot to some people, but I took this on and it's my responsibility, besides that theatre is what I wanna do, what I love doing. But I also made a commitment, I don't WANT to try and get out of going one night jusy because my mother thinks three nights a week is too much, it's innconvienient. I just get so frustrated sometimes because they don't understand. I know they mean well, but sometimes they really just don't understand.

Pigs is over, which is sad. But I had an absolute blast doing it, it was totally awesome! It was so much fun and I got to do a part where I break out the stereotypical part I usually get cast in, and show other people how much more I'm capable of. I'm feeling really good about the show and myself right now because I received some truly honest compliments from people that I really respect. You know the difference, not just, hey you did a good job, thanks so did you...the kind where you can tell they really are impressed and Really mean it. So I feel really good and really appreciated! Hahaha playing drunk is so much fun, seriously, that was like my favourite part. I don't wanna brag but...when I fell off the stage the first night in my "drunkenness", they actually thought I had fallen off...they didn't know I had staged it. Ha! lol oh good times overall and I'm already looking forward to next year!

Rehearsals start today for the play I'm in - Settlers at Sunset: When Pigs Fly. It's gonna be an awesome show so I suggest you all come to see it this Saturday or Sunday. Other talented people from ajax are also in it including Leya, Mala, Kevin, and Nate amoung others. It's only 5 bucks and it's gonna be a fab show...where else, I ask you, can you see live interactive theatre for $5? It's a bargin, so I expect to see everyone there...or else :P I'm excited, acting in the series of plays is so much fun, even though I can't breathe very well in my 1800's style costume lol. And this year "Lavinia" has more of a part...I even have a dramatic break up scene! How exciting is that, especially for lil drama queen me over here. Yaay!

My computer hasn't been working since Tuesday night. That's why I haven't been online. And don't even ask me why, it was just having a fit and sulking or something, I dunno. And my allergies have been being a bitch lately, seriously. They are so bad this year, I haven't had allergies like this for YEARS. I stayed up most of last night sneezing and blowing my nose. Anyways, so my birthday has come and gone, it was on Tuesday. It's weird, being 21 now, I know it always takes some adjustment to switch over your age in your mind set, but 21 is even weirder, just like, more difficult to deal with you know. Well just take my word for it. 21 seems so...grown up I guess, it just suddenly seems to have thrown itself at me. I can remember being like 15 and 21 looked so far in the future I didn't think it would ever come. And now it has. And I guess what makes me anxious about it is that I am 21 now. And how soon will 25, and 30, and so on come now. I want to be independent, but at the same time growing up is sometimes very very scary. And part of what makes it scary is that you can't stop it, no matter what you do. And that's what I think anyways. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now, more responsibility able to do more things, but life can be scary too. I seem to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately trying to figure out what I want and who I am exactly. It's not just something you go through as a teenager, as you grow older and more changes you have to readjust things in your mind, at least I think you do.
So I'm dealing with a crisis of faith and mortality, both my own and others, and issues of morality. I've basically started questioning everything I ever have and do believe in, or at least thought I did. And university hasn't helped any, it's just cracked open wider this questioing of everything I believe, this search for truth. And it's scary, really really scary, facing questions of mortality. I mean really facing them, not just mourning the passing of someone when you're like 10, 12, 14. The seeming randomness of it sometimes. Looking for answers, for comfort, when there doesn't seem to be any, or maybe it's just that I haven't found them yet. And just thinking about it sometimes is enough to almost give me an anxiety attack, but at the same time not thinking about it is not an option. They are issues that must be faced, which will intrude on thoughts and demand to be dealt with. And it scares me, it scares me so much sometimes, that people live and people die, and that for all my mocking organized religions, it makes me think, makes me want to believe there is something more. You know, sometimes being able to have blind faith would be really really comforting, but I don't have that and I don't really understand people who do. But there just has to something more, something beyond this life because there just has to be. Life is too wonderful, too fantastic and too complex to just end like that. But then I have all these conflicting views, and I wish that they could just meld together in harmony, science and a logical evolutionary perspective seeming to be at odds with faith and a belief in something more. Because for all my drama queen antics and having my heead in the clouds sometimes I do have my feet firmly planted on the ground. "Your head is perfectly safe in the clouds as long as you've got your feet firmly on the ground" And it's like these warring factions that I desperately want to get along but am not sure how. With this need to believe but at the same time a need for the rational. And it just leads to more questions that make me wonder at everything I believe in, but also what I want in life, or thought I wanted. It's so confusing, this search for answers, this quest to find my true desires and abilities, and I guess through all that to find myself too. SO I guess you'd call it a lot of soul searching that's been going on. And there's a time in my life that I wouldn't have posted all this. In fact, I wrote about it in my journal first, but then I decided, it's just something I wanted, needed to share. I don't know who's going to read it, what they'll think about it, but life is all about taking chances and how can anyone truly get to know you if won't risk exposing your true self. And writing this here does make me nervous, because I am exposing more of myself here than I usually do, but what is life without risk...and communication...so I'm pouring these thoughts out here to share them, that's all.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not seriously manic depressive, I have such drastic mood swings sometimes.

Life Crisis. Not mid-life crisis, but life crisis. Enough said.

You know what, Fuck schoolhouse, I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm done at my center and I'm never going back. Ever! Today was the last fucking straw, I deserve to be treated with respect and I refuse to go back to that place, and I'm not.

Girly night was good times. It's always fun when the girls get together. Looking forward to doing it again soon. Also amusing was the counting game...counting how many guys yelled at us as we weere out walking...last count was 16 I think...and that's not including the stares we got in the actual bar. Man I have hot friends :P Can't really blame the guys for looking though eh. AND we got free ice cream at the golden griddle...how sweet is that? Sometimes it rocks being a girl! Bar hopping is fun...and if you go to more than one bar than yes, it counts as bar hopping! On a more irritated note, my allergies are having a lovely flare up, which I blame on work. I spend most of my time outside, or in a dusty old portable which includes a guniea pig, so yeah, can't say as I'm terribly surprised but I didn't think they'd be this bad. Honestly, this whole year has just been terrible allergy wise, they haven't been this bad for YEARS! It's really a terrible irritation and inconvienience. and I'm very itchy right now, booo to that! I'm back on the benedryl train most of the time too, which totally sucks ass. I'm desperately looking for a new job, this one is entirely too stressful, too irritating, and too hard on me physically. *tries not to rip out hair* I've already bitten my nails back down to nothing, just when I was doing so well trying to break myself of that nasty habit too. Oh well, life goes on right. Oh...yes, and I'm turning 21 in 15 days...ahh! Now that's kind of scary. Turning 21...one of those things that always seemed so far in the future and is kind of hard to believe that it's actually almost here. *makes face* but I'm having a party so that should be good times, get to see people I haven't seen enough this summer! YaaY!

My job is driving me crazy. I'm so frustrated and frustrated and more frustrated. Also very irritated and itchy. That's what you get working all day either outside or worse, in a dusty old portable with a guniea pig. Yes I said a guniea pig, my daycare keeps it in the portable I spend most of my time in. *itches* It's very very FRUSTRATING working at a place that doesn't follow the rules it's supposed to and doesn't set clear expectations for what's required of me or what I'm able to do. I mean, they're nice people and all, but it's soooo disorganized. And the kids so don't listen at all, well most of them anyways. Thank God it's Friday!!! Seriously, this one week of working has just seemed so insanely long and tiring. I've been exhausted every night and gone to sleep quickly, which is highly unusual for me. Me feet hurt, my legs ache, and I got a sunburn on my back today...I'm radiating heat! I don't mean to sound whiney, I'm just venting and sharing my *wonderful* work experience with you all. Not to say there aren't some good moments.....but not nrealy enough rewarding ones. There are some good kids, and a moment or two each day that is rewarding, but there is so much acting up and behaviour problems with these kids, most of them are so mouthy, they talk back, and don't listen. Anyway I can't even type all about my first week, my fingers would wear out...seriously, it's very compliacated and crazy and long, interesting story perhaps, but too long to type it all out, so I'm going to end it here.

Starting work tomorrow...which should be a good thing, but I'm still very very angry at my company, and I have to go to Whitby. But hopefully the people and kids at my centre will be nice. Went out with Mala and her friends Saturday night. It was good times...and we pretty much drove all over southern ontario haha! We were originally supposed to go to some bar in oshawa, but then the person who knew that bar suddenly couldn't come, so it got changed to this other bar called Robbie's in the 'brough, cuz Mala knows the owner. So she picked me up and we went on our merry way to pick up another friend of hers in oshawa. Well, needless to say we got to the 'shwa and about 1/2 an hour later eventually found this girls house:P lol remember, you're not lost just change where you want to go! So then we headed to the bar where we met up with some friends of Mala's. It was pretty dead to start with but livened up a little as the night went on. These guys who we played pool with kept trying to convince us to go back to their house cuz they "had playstation 2" and that they were really "nice guys". Uh huh...well, needless to say we did NOT go because as Mala and I agreed later, we like being happy and staying unmolested and alive. But those guys kept it up all night, it started to get annoying cuz they wouldn't give up this ridiculous idea. Anyways met some people you know the shpiel. Suddenly about 2 o'clock Mala friend Cindy is like, lets go to a barbeque I was supposed to earlier tonight in rexdale. Well being me who doesn't drive and really doesn't have a sense of where things are cuz of that I had no clue where we were actually going. But off we went to rexdale, it was further than I thought it would be. We stayed there for a little while, but it was late and we were tired so we didn't stay long. Also I was offended by the fact that as we walked up one guy said with disgust "white girl". Well I mean yes I'm white, and they were all brown except for Malas friend Grace that we picked in the 'shwa, but so what, that's not the kind of thing that bothers me. What did bother me is that some small minded biggoted idiot reacted to me like that. But whatever, it wasn't worth causing a scene cuz it was one stupid, small minded guy, whatever. So we headed back to the 'shwa where we transfered over to Mala's car and headed on our way to drop Grace at home. On the way we stopped at Timmy's cuz I was really thirsty. Then McDonalds for something to eat cuz tim hortons didn't have any donuts. Well, weren't we surprised when they told us at the drive through that they were only serving breakfast. Well being it was 4:30 in the morning, we were like what? that's crazy, who eats breaky that earlty, but either way we wanted like fries and whatever not breakfast so we left. An we all agreed that whitby sucks fast food wise cuz everything was closed. We continued our drive and saw another timmys but couldn't get into it, so stopped at a cross country where they had a few selections of donuts but they were very fresh. Then we drove and dropped Mala's friend in Oshawa. Mala and I headed back to Ajax discussing the events of the night, this that and everything else. By this point it was almost 5 o'clock and we were wide awake again, being in the rather giggly but not sleepy stage. Mala dropped me at home a little after 5 and we agreed we must do it again soon. I had a good time, it was very interesting cuz we went all over the place and I met some new people. Thanks for inviting me out Mala! I know this has been a rather longer post than I usually do, but I had a lot to type about and felt like writing. Think positive thoughts for me as I start my job tomorrow :P

Trying out something new with the blog...yes I know it's pink...

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Happy Canada Day! I think I start work on monday...but we'll see...

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yeah yeah okay I know it's been a while since I last posted, I just haven't really been in the mood lately. On a bright note, even though I had to get up really early today to input my courses for school, I got into all the classes I wanted, so I'm feeling pretty pleased right now, even though it's early. On an angrier tone, my work screwed me over. Seriously screwed me over. I'm really really freaking angry about it. It's a long story that I'm not going to type all out here, needless to say right now I'm basically fighting to get the job they promised me. We'll see how it turns out. And I am looking for a new job, because I don't want to work for a company that's treating me like crap if I can help it. What else...Desiree was home last week...she was here during the start of the work fiasco...she heard the actual conversation....my side of it anyways...and got to listen to me swear a blue streak for the rest of the day heh:P We went dancing twice, the first saturday she got home, and then last friday. We also hung out other various times. It was fun, I missed my Dezzie tons, and now she's gone back to far away calgary *shakes fist* but at least we had a good visit and all that face to face chat that just isn't the same over the phone. I was gonna tie her up and hide her in my closet so she couldn't go back, but her plane was leaving early and so when she came to say good bye I was sleepy. That's life. Also went to the Strawberry Shortcake Festival on sunday mmmmmm it was yum-o-licious times. Strawberry punch as well as shortcake. YUM! Oh yes, and last week was my last acting class at O'Leary's, so this past monday felt kind weird not having class, I'd gotten so used to monday nights being all about that. What else...hmm...oh last night I reapplied for osap...man I hate those forms, made my head hurt and made me feel very frustrated, but at least now it's done. I'm trying to think of anything else that's happening in my life now, but I think that's about it.

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So I finally got a job. I got a job! Hoo-ray! I'm working in daycare again, but at least this time I'm going into it knowing what to expect. And no babies...the centre I'm going to be working at is ages 2 to 12...don't get me wrong, I love babies, they're freaking adorable, but taking care of them can be....yeah I dunno BABIES! So anyway I have orientation on June 23rd and I start work on the 24th. The 23rd is also my mums birthday by the way. Had the first Spirit Walk meeting on Saturday, 10 am...very early. I really don't know why they feel the need to have the meetings so early, but anyways it was interesting. I've finally found out my official title after all the kurfufal, I'm assistent to the director. Sounds kinda nice eh. But I got SUNBURNED! BAH! Stupid UV rays, my stomach and my neck got burned and I didn't even think about putting on sunscreen cuz it was so early. Afterwards Mala, Sam and I met for girly coffee time at starbucks. It was good times and we discussed many theatre possibilities. I'm just still really happy about my job! YaaY! And Desiree is coming home on Saturday hoo-ray! I miss my Dezzie and having her around to bite:P heh heh lll ypu! go for our own language! You one crazy ass bitch Dez heh but we will have many good times when she gets back. So anyways I think that's all for now. Nighty night.

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Well my hair is...interesting...the blonde hair dye didn't exactly work like it was supposed to...interesting

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Sometimes I really hate being an optimist, you know that? Well, I'm finally over a certain person, but I'm in like, re-bound crush stage and I'm feeling very vulnerable right now, and that's causing all sorts of havoc and strife within me.

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Well it just keeps getting worse. Now instead of just worrying about the jerk being there on saturday for rehearsal, I also have to deal with an immature little boy, who shall remain unnamed, but who I'm not exactly on speaking terms with. yay...so on top of all THAT, I got an email today about the S.W. and I'm feeling extremely undervalued and underappreciated, and just generally like a Girl Friday. Oh yes, and I haven't slept since yesterday, was awake all night due to various stupid health reasons and so I haven't slept yet. I'm on the edge...as I said the email was almost the straw that broke the camels back...no one had better push me today otherwise I will go over the edge. Don't be the straw that breaks the camels back, I'm just too irritated and close to the edge today, it's been a really stressful, really irritating, shitty, craptacular week. *sighs* It's almost over though, a new week, so I'm hoping this one will be better than the last, but at the rate it'ss going, who knows.

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Well it's just been a craptacular week. Someone I know died, I found out someone else I know is being charged with sexual assault, and the guy I like, but am trying to get over, is dating someone else. It's been a shitty week, I'll be glad when it's over.

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Ron's funeral is today. I'm still very sad, and even though I have the email that tells me it's true, it's just still really hard to believe that I'll never see him again. The last time I saw him was at the Backwoods general meeting, and you don't think about the fact that it could be the last time you ever see someone. He was a really kind, wonderful gentleman and I just wish I could have told him that. When I first started A Spirit Walk he just helped make me feel really comfortable, and among all those intimidating new faces and surrondings he was very kind to me and helped to make me feel at home there. He was a genuinely kind and good person and although he may be gone from life, the impact he had on people isn't, he will live on in our memories. I guess this is kind of my way of saying good-bye and trying to find closure since I am not going to the funeral. And in a way he isn't really gone because of the memories I and everyone else have of him. I've been mourning him, and even as I type this I am crying, and I'm not embarassed to admit that I shed tears over the death of someone I know. I guess writing this all out is part of my mourning in a way, and of remembering and sharing, and of ultimately saying good-bye. So, Good-bye Ron, I'm glad that I had the oppourtunity to know you, and Bless you where ever you are.

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I'm very sad. My head and eyes still hurt from crying, and I'm just really depressed. I found out tonight that Ron Plummer died this morning. It was so unexpected, and so very sad. He was a dear, wonderful man who will be greatly missed. I'll always remember him as Asher Wilson, which is how I first met him, through A Spirit Walk. Asher Wilson will never come to the door again...and I don't think I could do that scene again this year. After three years of being in that scene with Ron, I think it would be too painful for me to try and do it without him. It wouldn't be like he just wasn't there because he didn't get the part, it's that he's passed away and will never be there to do it again. Death touches too many lives too many times. He was a kind, funny, wonderful man and that's how I'll always remember him.

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So I'm feeling better today. Well less depressed than I was last night. Damn this pms depression, that's what I say. Sometimes I just need to vent and bitch. Everything always looks better later. I feel a lot less depressed, I mean I'm still emotional, but things are looking up.

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I'm sitting here, listening to depressing songs. Listening, being teary-eyed, and just getting more damn depressed. Sometimes I just feel feel so pathetic you know. And I hate it. I give up. It's useless. I'm not a person who believes in "fate" as it were, (I think we make our own fate) but it just seems like it's not meant to be. At least, that's what I said, and I keep trying to tell myself. But if that's true, why I am sitting here like a sap, just wishing for what could be, when it's pretty fucking obvious it's never going to happen. How do you tell someone you like them when you never see them. How can I get over this, when there hasn't been any closure. That's the problem, I don't know one way or the other. And it's really hard to get over someone when you don't know, if there's even the tiniest bit of a chance, how can I give up. I hate this, and I hate feeling like this. I feel things too deeply, I'm so emotional, and I just feel fucking pathetic, and depressed, and kind of...I don't know...fatalistic in a way. I want to move on, I want to move on so badly. I want to say something, I have to say something. Even though I have this terrible feeling I'm not going to like the answer I get, I NEED to have an answer, any answer. Carpe Diem "seize the day"...so when I'm presented with the chance, I think I have to take it. Because I have to know.

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I'm sitting here, listening to depressing songs. Listening, being teary-eyed, and just getting more damn depressed. Sometimes I just feel feel so pathetic you know. And I hate it. I give up. It's useless. I'm not a person who believes in "fate" as it were, (I think we make our own fate) but it just seems like it's not meant to be. At least, that's what I said, and I keep trying to tell myself. But if that's true, why I am sitting here like a sap, just wishing for what could be, when it's pretty fucking obvious it's never going to happen. How do you tell someone you like them when you never see them. How can I get over this, when there hasn't been any closure. That's the problem, I don't know one way or the other. And it's really hard to get over someone when you don't know, if there's even the tiniest bit of a chance, how can I give up. I hate this, and I hate feeling like this. I feel things too deeply, I'm so emotional, and I just feel fucking pathetic, and depressed, and kind of...I don't know...fatalistic in a way. I want to move on, I want to move on so badly. I want to say something, I have to say something. Even though I have this terrible feeling I'm not going to like the answer I get, I NEED to have an answer, any answer. Carpe Diem "seize the day"...so when I'm presented with the chance, I think I have to take it. Because I have to know.

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Happy Mothers Day!

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So I went to my first downtown club last night with JeN, Leya and Lou. It was so much fun, even though my legs are very sore today, haven't been dancing in forever. We went to this place called Joe, and even though it was expensive ($10 cover) it was a blast. It was just the ego boost I needed. I got a lot of compliments and attention from some really hot guys, and that always makes one feel good. Especially lately, I mean I don't want to sound arrogent or anything, but I think I'm pretty attractive, I just don't always believe other people will think so too. So this night out, where I was looking really good, and I got a lot of attention is just what my poor ego needed. This one hot guy, he kept trying to kiss me, which is flattering and all...but I'm not going to kiss some random guy I just met...but boy did I have Fun dancing with him *grins* Danced with some really hot people ...*weak knees* and just highly enjoyed myself. And there were only a few harassments...but I already know there are a lot of jerks out there, so I can just laugh at them. Except for that one guy...grabby mcgrabbington (good name Leya)...who wasn't just a jerk but an asshole. But other than that, got a lot of good exercise and much needed night to let loose and be a "wild woman" after the stress of exams, school, and everything else.

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Went to the allergist today, just came from there in fact. Had a scratch test done yet again. For those of you who don't know, that's where they put drops containing common allergens on your arm in rows, then scratch each drop. Then if you get a hive, and depending on the size of the reaction tells you how allergic you are to something. Anyway so I had that done, and now my arm looks and feels like hell, it;s so itchy. I just took benedryl though (which I haven't been able to do for the past 3 days cuz of the scratch test) so hopefully it'll help soon. So I at least have some options now, well more than I did before I went to see the Doctor. So yea.....allergies still suck.

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A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when you've
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure youre always number
one.
Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature, sociability.
Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for
attention..



What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."


What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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I am such a Huge Flirt. I have realized that yet again. But, it's like second nature...I'm not even always aware of it. Just can't help it. That's not Always a bad thing...is it?

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Another exam over with. Two down, one left to go. And so unbelievably tired. Wrote the exam on less than three hours sleep, came home, thought about taking a nap, and then got called to babysit. So, I went to babysit already absolutely exhausted. Earned money though, and maybe I'll actually be able to sleep tonight I'm so dead tired. So incredibly tired but waiting for my bagel to toast cuz I'm so hungry. I'm the kind of tired where you just feel grudy (and yes it is a word cuz I say so, I use it, look it up in the dictionary of katie) and icky and blah. SO I'm off to eat my bagel and hopefully get a decent night's sleep for a change. Nighty night.

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So I feel pretty shitty. And I still hate and despise my allergies...going to the allergist in a week *crosses fingers*. I just woke up from a long nap, cuz I was awake for over 24 hours. Not by choice I might add. I studied for the exam I had today, actually went to bed, and then couldn't sleep because of my allergies. So, I wrote my exam on no sleep...this is the first time I've ever done that. I'm the kind of person who needs sleep, I've never actually pulled an all nighter, so although I didn't stay up all night studying, I was still awake all night...still counts, right? Not a fun thing to do, I don't recommend it. I was starting to go a little insane just when I got up to get ready, before I even wrote the exam. I think I did alright on it though. But yeah, so I git home about 11:30, exhausted already, but thinking maybe I should just stay up and go to bed really early tonight. As time slowly wore on though and I was exhausted I thought okay, I'll just take a little nap, that should get me through. When I finally decided to let myself go to sleep, allergies told me I couldn't lie down. Bout 4:00 I finally fell asleep, woke up around 9, fell back asleep, woke up about 11. Some short nap eh. So I'm pretty wide awake right now at 1am. Which is exactly what I didn't want, how I'm supposed to get up tomorrow and study for my sociology exam on Friday if I can't sleep til really late tonight/early tomorrow. *shakes fist at allergies* So I'm feeling irritated. I feel like I'm complaining a whole lot about my allergies, but if I can't complain in my own blog, where can I. I don't like to say all that much about them, complain to people, cause I don't want people to think I'm like a big whiner. And a lot of people just don't understand how bad my allergies can really be, they act like I'm a wimp, or Like I'm acting like it's way worse than it is, so I've kind of learned not to say all that much about how bad they are and bother me to most people. They just don't understand and give me attitude, or disbelief. SO I'm venting here where no one can give me any lip. That's right. So what else is new...not all that much I guess, just exams, trying to get through them. I can't really think of much else at the moment, I'm kind of all typed out with my venting, so I guess I'll wrap it up for now.

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And on top of all that my allergies have been the worst I've experienced in years.

Okay so I'm more than a little stressed. I'm a lot stressed. And yes now I'm kicking myself for booking an audition during exam time...but it's too late to change it now. I should have started studying way sooner...I kept planning on it, saying tomorrow tomorrow...and what did I do? I started with the exam I'm going to write last. Smart eh. So monday and tuesday are going to be hardcore studyage, cuz my first exam is wednesday, then study more thursday, audition thursday night, and write the next exam on friday. And somewhere in the studyage I will have to take breaks....to work on my monologue...fortunately it's one I've done before so I just have to work on it a little, not actually memorize a whole new piece. Next friday I also have an exam, poetry, fun oh fun, but I have a week after my second exam to prepare for that. I'm just stressed and worried overall, but I can't help that, that's how I'm built. I'm a worrier. I would also like to call to order a meeting of BASTSAT. Although a certain issue about a certain person has been occupying more than it's fair share of my thoughts lately and distracting me more than it has any right to, I've finally come to a decision about it. And once I realized, and made a decision about what I'm going to do, I felt better. Yes I'm still worrying about it but now that I know what I'm going to do, it's in a ceratin sense given me...I guess...a feeling of control somewhat? If you know what I mean...I dunno...I don't know exactly how to explain but now that I've decided I'm going to say something, I feel better. Nervous, worried, excited, yes, but better. And now that I've made a decision, I just have your normal, mundane stuff like exams and auditions to get through...before I put that decision in motion.

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This week I have an acting class, 2 exams, and an audition. I'm a little stressed.

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You have no idea how very much I hate and despise my allergies.

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Happy Easter! YaaaaY! Easter is family time, and I've been doing just that. Hope everyone has an good Easter.

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Boo to not being able to go to sleep. And to allergies. I hate allergies. They've been so bad already this year, I haven't been able to go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning cuz I feel like crap and have trouble breathing if I lie down. So my whole sleep pattern is messed up. Hence the reason I'm writing this at 4 am. So I'm finally going to the Doctor later today so I can get a referal to an allergist, like I haven't gone through all this before. Well, I haven't been through the allergist experience for a few years, so here's hoping they have some wonderful new medication that I haven't tried yet. Cuz this is seriously messing up my life. I am taking medication way too often, and experiencing side effects, but what else am I supposed to do when my allergies are doing this. I was hoping this was a temporary allergy reaction, but it's been about a week and a half now and it's still going. I'm not very happy with my immune system right now, not happy at all. I want to be asleep right now, but is not really possible. I've been watching a lot of really late night/early morning t.v. this week. Renovation/design shows and cooking shows seem to be particularily popular at this hour. Odd. But when you're looking for something to distract you from thinking about how crudy you feel anything that'll keep your attention will do. So I'm going to go watch some more t.v. and hope I am tired enough I can fall asleep in spite of my allergies, I'll probly update more later this week.

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Pleasentville is a movie that questions the values in a changing society. It is so deep, so awesome. Totally not what I was expecting but an incredible movie. I am just completely blown away right now. My brain is still working a mile a minute, and I love that this movie has made me think this much. It's totally about challenging perceptions, and restrictions, and the oppression that defined society in the 1950's. It was very much a metephor for the turmoil and fight for freedom of the 50's. About the refusal to acknowledge problems in society, with the idea that if you don't acknowledge them then they don't exist, the whole sugar coating the truth and masking reality to make the world perfect on the surface. It so strongly brought to my mind the race relations and segregation that went on in society and of the race trials of the early 1900's. The courtroom scene near the end particularily reminded me of To Kill A Mockingbird, I found there were a lot of allusions like that in this movie. The idea that if not strictly controlled then society will ultimately result in chaos, kind of seeing it as a fall from eden, from the percieved perfection of the 1950's, instead of as freedom from oppression. It was challenging the idea that being different, that freedom and equality are wrong, they are seen as evil and what will cause this fall from perfection, from eden. The whole theme of colour carried the idea that you can't really live until you stand up for what you believe in. That taking a stand is what makes you realize you're really living. If you plod along at the measured, dictated pace of society you are never going to truly live, never going to experience Life. Taking a stand, fighting for what you belive is truly right is what allows you to see the world in all of its colour and beauty. Pleasentville to me, emphasized that there is no "right" life, what makes life exciting is not knowing what is going to happen. It was such a meaningful movie that to me really caught the revolutionary spirit and the idea of not conforming to society just because you're supposed to. It was such an incredible movie, I loved it, it really made me think. And helped me to better realize and articulate the fact that the more I learn, the more I understand, and the more I Want to learn. If I watched this movie a few years ago I'm sure I would have enjoyed it, still loved it, but I feel like I wouldn't have understood it on the same level as I do now. I want to own this movie. I don't go this over the top about a lot of movies, but this one was so awesome I can't help it. I highly recommend it for anyone, it's a challenging, insighful, incredibly meaningful film and my mind is still chewing it over.

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The scene, she is done. Finally. It went better than I was expecting it to, and Maria gave me some really positive feedback, both about the scene and myself in general. I'm just glad it's finally done, that the scene is done. It was giving me a major stress. I mean MAJOR stress. And classes are over! YaaaY! It feels so very good. So last night I went to the Baby Oscars, and the party after. I had a blast, it was good times. Then after that party, a bunch of us went to Denny's. Also muchly fun. I'm really really glad I went. I wasn't planning on it, but Leya talked me into it. Thumbs up for Leya. Also had a good oppourtunity to dance, which I haven't had in a while. On an interesting note, I had a few issues with my dress, which actually looked pretty damn good, if I do say so myself...well, other people did too...but it was considerably shorter than the last time I wore it. It looked better, lol, I fill it out better now, but I didn't realize quite how short it was til I sat down in the car and was like ahhh. Posed a few issues but I felt really good in it, so it was worth it. When I feel I look good, it makes me feel good, and I got more than a few compliments which made me feel even better. For example I got told, "that's quite a hot little number you're wearing there" lol. It was just like, schools finally over let loose kind of mood. I had a really great time, and tonight is looking to be good times too. JeN's home so hopefully we are having some kind of get together, more rockin times. So I haven't got a job yet, but I'm planing on updating my resume this week-end, and going to start job hunting next week prolly. It looks like I might end up in daycare again, at least for a couple of monthes anyway. It's not that I don't like working with the kids, cuz I do, I love them, they're so adorable and I find it really rewarding, but it's not so good pay, crappy hours, and having to change diapers that make me not want to go back to it. I'm hoping to get hired on for some kind of day camp in the summer, working with older kids you know. But elementary schools go til June...so I might be in daycare til summertime. But I'm looking forward to chillin with people, partying, in general having a good time, I'm sad that drama class is over, but hopefully I will hang out with many of the people from that class anyways. All I have to worry about is exams, and I don't even start them for a couple of weeks, so I have time to rest and party before them.

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Yes, sadly people are killed everyday, but that doesn't make the death of cecilia any less tragic.

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I think that losing your child is probly the worst thing that could happen to a person. I can only begin to imagine the pain and anguish that Cecilia's parents and family must be going through. And it's not even something, a loss, that can be rationalized in any way, she didn't have any disease, she wasn't sick, she didn't in any way bring it upon herself. She was 9 years old for gods sake, no child deserves that. I was watching the news, and you know, just thinking how terrible and horrible it was, and then I listened to the lawyer read the statement from the parents of Cecilia...and I started to cry. Watching the rest of the coverage on the tragic murder of this little girl, I just cried so hard. Just the loss, the insensibility. the pure....mindlessness of it just really got to me. That letter was so emotional, so touching, it really made me think and squeezed my heart. Especially the part about how parents should cherish every moment they have with their children. It's so scary that something like this could happen, it sends an absolute chill down my spine. It makes me want to do something, but I don't know what. I really hope they catch whatever twisted, terrible person did this. I mean, I'm not normally a violent or vicious person, but I hope that they catch whoever did this, and that they suffer for it, suffer horribly. Because murdering an innocent little girl is just unforgivable, she was 9! She had her whole life ahead of her, and I just don't understand anyone who could do something like this. I'm sad, depressed, bitter,scared, and angry, and all I can hope is that poor little girl didn't suffer. I'm not a really religious person so I won't say that my prayers are with her parents and family, but my thoughts and wishes are with them, and I hope that they catch whoever did this. It just boggles my mind that murders like this occur. I know...I'm rambling, but it's just so tragic, and absolutely sensless. I just feel so emotional and upset and kind of helpless you know? and I just don't understand. Rest In Peace Cecilia.

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My head hurts. Why is it that the more sleep I get the worse and ickier I feel. So now basically what I have left to do for school is my scene. My scene which I am actually very worried about. Not about me...about my partner. Yeah...so I'm going to work on it this week end...and just hope to goodness that he does too. We present on Tuesday...yea...I dunno, I'm trying to look on the bright side, but like, I'm just feeling irritated. I mean, he didn't even want to rehearse when we had class time on Thursday! Hello! Performance Tuesday! This is worth like, 20% of my grade, it's pretty important to me, and I can't afford to get a bad mark here. I know it's individual marks, but still, it's a scene...meaning you're supposed to work off your partner...I hope my prof takes into consideration who I'm working with when she marks me...yeah...I'm feeling pretty frustrated. And hungry....off to dinner for now.

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*sighs* I am tired. Tired and stressed. A bunch of stuff has been handed in and is over.....still stuff to go....I'm trying to get through it one day at a time. And school is almost over...it's strange. I keep asking myself how can my second year of university be almost at an end? It's kind of scary actually, how fast this year has seemed to go. Next year I'll be a 3rd year student? :O Impossible I say...I don't believe it.....

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Hope everyone had a Happy St.Patrick's Day!!! Yayayaya! Go Green!

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School gives me so much stress.

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Insanely tired kt. Stayed up way too late last night. But a very good acting class tonight none the less. Note to self - don't wear a white sweater if you're going to be rolling around on the floor. I shouldn't wear white to class monday nights. Tomorrow is the big Monologue day, I'm actually feeling pretty good about it. Besides the coaching I had at school, I did my monologue tonight and last week during class and got some very helpful feedback, is much better now. So I'm excited, and nervous. And yeah. Life goes on, I've been very stressed lately with school and everything, on an emotional rollercoaster for more than one reason and not getting nearly enough sleep. But I'm definately doing better than I was. Here's hoping that my monologue goes well tomorrow! *thinks positive thoughts*

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I keep telling myself I don't care, it's not worth it, I just don't care. But it just isn't true. And if I really believed that I wouldn't have to keep repeating it to myself. I do care, and this whole thing is depressing the hell out of me. And the worst part is that the attraction is still there for me...and sitting in class today, watching...well lets just say I think talent is very sexy, very attractive, and that just made it that much worse.

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I'm doing alright. Fighting off germs, but doing a lot better than last week and on the week-end. Life goes on...

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Well I'm not crying anymore, or wanting to cry all the time either. But it still hurts, and I'm still depressed. And boys still suck big time.

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The one thing I'm grateful for, the questionable silver lining of this cloud, is that though I'm in pain, and disappointed, hurt, feeling rejected....it wasn't outright rejection. And no awkward situation to deal with. Although I may feel awkward, the situation won't be. I'm really in the mood to throw some big boulders at boys....I didn't need this pain, I didn't choose to like someone, but I have it anyways. And that sucks.

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Hands so cold, body shaking, I think I'm numb. I don't think it has really hit me yet, I'm sure it will later though. I'm still kind of in a state of shock, yet not, contradictory as that seems. Almost of contemplation, I haven't really absorbed, it hasn't really sunk in yet. When I found out, it really hit me physically. I haven't really cried yet, when I heard tears slipped of their own accord out of the corners of my eyes, but I wasn't really aware of them, I wasn't ready to cry, and that was just a few tears not really crying anyways. I haven't given in and broken down yet. That'll happen later tonight, when I'm in my room alone and everyone's gone to bed. I can't give in, can't collapse yet because it's only 5:30 and I still have the rest of the day to get through. I'm not a good crier, and I just can't deal with the questions from my family if they see I've been crying. Even as I write this I feel myself starting to unthaw, I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can't deal with it yet, I just want it to stop. I'm so cold, my bodies still in a state of shock. I want to curl up on my bed and let it all out, why does life have to go on when I feel like this. I wish I could pause the world while I deal with this, just put everything on hold until I have a handle on the disappointment and the pain. But I can't, life insists upon going on, As the radio plays in the background to hide the sound of any sniffles I make I just want to go to bed. I want nighttime to come so I can embrace this pain and deal with it. Why is it that when we're hit with news like this we are rarely able to emotionally deal with it when it happens. It's all inside me right now, spilling out onto the page. Life rarely provides me with the oppourtunity to fully grieve when I really want to, when I really need to.

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Stage Manager for The Spirit Walk!!! Yaaay!!!

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I'm tired of being the girl next door. I don't want to just be the "nice" girl anymore. I am so much deeper, and so much more complex than that. I'm tired of people sterotyping me and cramming me into their little definitions of who's who. If you talk with me for more than 10 minutes at a time you'd see I'm so much more than that. This is directed at all those people who don't even know me, never talk to me for more than a few minutes at a time, but dare to label me, to stereotype me, and say that they know who I am. Sticking me with a label that they are most likely never going to change. Well people, this is me saying take a closer look, I'm not nice, quiet, easy going all the time...I'm emotional and strong minded, I get my feelings hurt and sometimes I hold grudges, I get angry and mad, silly and giggly with my friends, and passionate about things I love and believe in. I'm insanely protective of my family and friends, with a really dirty mind and a knack for innuendo and sarcasm, I'm a "good kid" but with a racy streak that surprises some people when they first find out, and sometimes I am the loudest one in my group of friends...and sometimes not. Sometimes I am a little reserved, more laid back, sometimes I just like to sit back and watch, and be the peace maker of the group. All of these things and more, are inside me all the time, it just depends which side I show to the world at the time - how I'm feeling that day, but I am more than how you see me in 1 situation. I'm tired of people labeling me and just assuming they know who I am and all about me, when ironically they will probly never know the real me. I'm so much more than just the nice girl next door...

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Emotionally Exausted. Plain and simple. Got it?

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Want Ad - Cute, affectionate Princess, non-smoker, seeks modern day white knight to ride off into sunset with (has own horse)

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Am I the only one left in this world who's still a romantic at heart? Cuz that's pretty much how I feel nowadays. I know, and meet, so many cynical people. As you all know I'm pretty much a perpetual optimust, always trying to look on the good side of things, all about the positive thinking and everything. But I've just been really depressed today. Well lately as a matter of fact. Well...not even that, I've been swinging back and forth between extremes, really happy or really depressed. But sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one who even belives in romance and all that, I'm surronded by people who are so just...I don't even know, I can't explain it. I was so happy yesterday...and I'm so depressed today. It just feels like sometimes I'm never going to meet someone, or even if I do meet them, are they even going to notice me. It's so frustrating, I guess I'm just getting impatient in my old age. "I'm alive but I'm alone" a lyric that pretty much desribes what I'm feeling right now. Why do I feel like I'm back in high school again?

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Oh man, our improv scene today rocked, it kicked ass! My group was great. We just had such a good connection, really good chemistry. I'm feeling good, feeling really good, a little sad though cuz it's over. I had really good people to work with, Mary and John were both awesome today, I kind of wish it could go on for longer cause it was a lot of fun. I got to yell, and swear, and be emotional...good times eh, I felt like I did a really good job on it too.

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I feel good. I just had a really good day today. Even though I'm tired, I am just having such a good day. And on a Monday too! Wow! How often do you actually get to say that, here's hoping the rest of my day goes just as well. Oh yea...and think snowy thoughts...positive thinking for a snow day tomorrow!

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I am irritated. Very Very irritated.

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I am very Stressed. *sighs* Some of this school stuff I'm excited about, but some of it's just pure stress. This semester is going to be even more insane...and it looks like even more work than the last one. But it also looks like many good times will be involved. Scenes, monologues, improves, drama class in gerneral, and then acting class, I have lots of drama stuff to do, I just wish I could be in a play too...I still feel kind of lost after Aladdin with no play now...

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Holy shit it's cold out...I'm really hoping that school gets cancelled tomorrow...hope for more snow! Hope for more snow! It's too cold to go out tomorrow.....but I'm going to have to if school is open cuz I can't miss drama. *shakes fist at the cold and winter in general*

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Do you realize how cold it is going to be out? It's s'posed to be -22 overnight, and then drop to the wonderfully chill temp of -33 for tomorrow. Dear Goodness but THAT is FREAKIN cold people! When it's that cold it makes me not want to go to school...not go out of my house at all in fact, but it's only the first week...I really need to go to class. I'm going to be so bundled up tomorrow you will not be able to see my shape at all...I'll prolly look like some kind of very round snowperson. And I think I'm gonna need tea once I get to school to warm up from being outside in that insane cold. I complain, but honestly, I love Canada, with all it's crazy crazy temperatures, and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. So this was just a quick little entry, I'll likely write more, and about my first week of school this week-end. I live in the coldest room in my entire house, I don't know how that worked out, but I don't wanna wake up as one giant Kt-sicle. I'm going to need another blanket for my bed tonight....

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Why is it so cold out?

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This is a...well I'm not sure exactly what it is...a poem I guess...it's a little different...anyway feel free to post any comments about it on my message board.


Desire

Burning
Throbbing
Hot Desire
That intense longing to be one with another
Feel the flames of lust flicker
As they try to consume you
Body, Mind, and Soul
Taking over your Being
Make you live for the moment
Regardless of past or future
Living, breathing, feeling
In the here and now
Intense longing
Body on fire
Rich Desire
Claiming you for its own
Your view narrows
To this one moment in time
Nerves on fire
Never wanting it to end
The touch, the feel, the smell of them
Completly arousing
The soft touch of their skin against yours
Their hair as you run your fingers through it
The rough feel of their clothes
The intoxicating smell
As they move closer and you breathe them in
Teasing
Playing
Lust builds
Longing fills you
Ultimate Desire

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Happy New Years! Hope everyone had an awesome New Years Eve. I'ts finally 2004 baby, can you dig it?